I am thankful

I finished chemo treatments on September 23^rd…and I am now nearly halfway through my radiation treatments.  My skin is not cooperating as much as I’d like it to, but it’s not as bad as it could be, I suppose.  So far, it is an area under my arm that is breaking down and opening up, and underneath my breast is not only very dark, but is also very red, tender and opening up.  Did I mention that my entire breast is swollen?  *sigh*  oh the joy…

I can’t wait to be done with the treatments.  At this point, the medication regiments will go for another 5 and 10 years, but the more miserable parts of treatment (i.e., chemo and radiation) will be done soon…and the ‘poisons’ will have worked their way out of my body. 

At least I am past the actual chemo treatments and their ‘immediate’ side effects.  I. am. DONE.  I-AM-DONE!  {with chemo, at least}  No more bone pain…no more nausea…no more hair loss…no more stomach issues…no more loss of appetite or messed up taste buds...no more excruciatingly heightened sense of smell...no more swollen feet/ankles/legs...no more funky feet (did you see the post with my ugly toenails? one fell off and one was cut off by a Dr)...no more restless, sleepless nights...  {and as I write this, I think... “Hmm…but, wait…that’s a possible side effect of this med, and that’s a possible side effect of that med…”  HOPEFULLY those side effects do not rear their heads}  Essentially…the big stuff…the really tough stuff…is over.

Essentially, in another year, I should be back to ‘normal’ – whatever that may be…I’m sure my new normal is going to be much different than before.  Life as we know it is over and gone…which leads me to my ‘topic’ – a cancer diagnosis is devastating and the recovery journey can be daunting.  This journey is scary, awful, dark, dismal, tough, grueling, amazing, eye-opening, personal and L-O-N-G.  A lot of what is hard to swallow in this journey is the literal grief you feel over the changes in your life – the physical changes (the loss of your hair, your scars, among other things) as well as the mental and emotional changes.  Your life will never be the same.  It may be better than you had ever imagined before your diagnosis.  It may be far worse than you had ever imagined.  But one thing is for damn sure, your life…your ‘normal’ WILL BE DIFFERENT!

I admit it…when I start to think about being done with treatment, my head spins a little bit.  It doesn't feel REAL yet.  Maybe I’m not close enough to the end yet.  I can’t visualize the outcome…normally I can visualize a goal and myself achieving said goal.  Since my diagnosis, I have not been able to TRULY do this. 

I also feel like I am standing still while the rest of the world…the rest of life…goes on around me.  Looking back on this past year, I often find myself feeling bewildered.  Like, W-T-F just happened?!  I mean, I was working towards the end of my Spring Semester of Grad & Undergrad classes...it was March.  On March 21^st, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am now striving to be cancer FREE…to be a SURVIVOR.

Most days, I’m tired.  I am still quite forgetful (gotta love ‘chemo brain’ and menopause).  I don’t understand any of this…how nearly a year ago I was fine, and then I wasn't, and then there were surgeries and (what seem like endless) treatments…and now I’m on this insanely long road to recovery.

I know that it will be okay.  That regardless of what my life will become, I will be ‘okay’.  Some day, I won’t be so tired.  Some day, I won’t wear a wig.  Some day, I won’t need to have my head covered constantly (for heat, or for pride).  Some day, this will all seem like just a blip on the radar of my life.  Some day, other women will not have to go through this hell.  I am eternally thankful for the mere hope of that ‘some day'...of all of those some days.

Thank you all so very much for your love, your words of support, your tears and all the laughs over these past months.  You all are a huge part of making this craptastic "journey" more bearable.