Sunday, March 22, 2015

Time keeps on slippin'...into the future...

I meant to post this yesterday, but I had not fully processed my feelings (and still haven't fully, but somewhat).

Two years ago on March 21, I heard one of the most terrifying, horrifying and heartbreaking phrases from a Doctor's mouth.  "You have Cancer."

My mind raced, my heart sank and I did my best to keep my composure while the doctor offered information and what was to be expected moving forward.  It felt like I was outside of my body, watching it all unfold from an outsider's perspective.  My partner (at the time) had begrudgingly joined me at this appointment...after much begging and pleading...as I had a gut feeling that I wasn't going to receive good news regarding my mammogram and ultrasound just days earlier.  My partner offered very little solice...at the time, I chalked it up to us both being numb.  I managed to keep (most) of my composure as I called my parents and my grandparents with this dreaded news.  My partner left for work, and I was left home alone, miles away from family, to come to grips with reality.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to break shit, I wanted to run away from this reality, I wanted to just mentally shut down and check out, I wanted to run down the street like my hair was on fire, screaming at the top of my lungs.  My partner never did have a reaction to this news, not in my presence at least, though I heard later about the emotional outpouring to coworkers.

I was deeply emotional...running the gamut of worried, sad, confused, upset, angry, pissed off, terrified...the emotional roller coaster lasted for some time, but was perhaps most intense when I first faced the daunting news of my diagnosis.  It was then that I faced my mortality and my darkest fears. 

Of course, my mind reeled with thoughts of "what if...?"
What if....?
* I'm not strong enough to make it through this
* I become unable to have children from the treatments and drugs
* I go through this and it comes back
* I end up hospitalized with complications
* I die from this

I also faced the thought of what could have happened had I not found the lump when I did.  I had already formed a large, aggressive and invasive cancerous tumor.  It hadn't been long since my last gyno appointment and neither my Dr nor myself had felt it at that point.  If it had gone undetected, could it have spread through my body and killed me?

I didn't have health insurance and the red tape in health care and assistance for those that truly NEED it is a freaking nightmare.  I'm STILL dealing with it all...ugh.

A LOT has happened in the past two years...some good, some bad, some life shattering, some funny beyond words. 

I have LOST my hair (I had a love hate relationship with it my entire life - which many people with naturally curly hair can relate to...but I truly miss it...even have hair envy at times...), GAINED perspective, LOST my mind (no, seriously), GAINED incredible patience, LOST my partner (some people cannot see beyond themselves), GAINED weight (damn drug side effects), LOST weight (slow and torturous), GAINED a few more scars, LOST some sensation in parts of my body, GAINED daily medicine regimens, LOST some mobility in some joints and parts of my body, GAINED some aches and pains, LOST some pieces of myself, GAINED many menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, etc), LOST a few ("so called") friends and GAINED a whole new appreciation of my TRUE friends and the love of family.

I have also moved from Ohio to Pennsylvania.  While it was a move I had been hoping to make at some point in the future, the circumstances behind it (& even currently) were/are quite crap-tastic and complicated. 

I know by looking at the calendar (and my ever multiplying gray hairs) that two years have since passed...but I'll be damned if I don't feel as if my life is still on a perpetual  pause.  One minute I'm a graduate student studying for midterms and scheduling group study sessions...the next I'm a cancer patient studying my diagnosis and scheduling surgeries and treatment plans.  *sigh*

I realize that terrible things happen to people all over the world every day...I also realize that I can't live the rest of my life just waiting for cancer to reoccur...but, how do you push past that fear? 

{note: one of my dear friends was diagnosed shortly after me, with a different type of cancer, and we commiserated and supported each other through our journeys...she recently received news that her cancer returned...absolutely terrifying and crushing news...she appears incredibly optimistic and zen about it.  I pray for her daily.  This news made me stop and face my own fear of reoccurrence yet again.}

I'm currently overdue for both my pet scan (as of 2/2015) and my mammogram (as of 3/17/15).  I know that both of those tests, combined with some other blood panels and Dr visits (oncologist/neuro followup/cardiologist followup/lymph followup) would help to shed light on various recent physical occurrences...however, I have not yet established myself with local doctors.  Trust me, it is not for lack of trying!  I have had one hell of a time getting any information requested from my previous county of residence and then relaying it to my new one AND getting to speak with a live person in a timely manner is damn near impossible.  I was told that my paperwork (mailed in February) was never received and that I had to start over again!  Seeing as this paperwork is highly sensitive and personal information I am extremely concerned with its whereabouts...I have called the man that I had previously been communicating with regarding my application ever day for over a week...each time I reach voicemail (despite choosing a different menu option) and each time I leave a message and wait...and each time another day passes without communication and any type of response.  Oh, the irony that one of the most constant and consistent forces in my life has been and continues to be red tape/bureaucratic bullshit, fighting for healthcare coverage and prescription coverage. 

Why, oh why, can't THAT change in my favor?!

Friday, March 20, 2015

A LONG time comin'...

Healthy & Lean in 2015 -- that's my "fitspiration" on my fitness journey ;)

I had the brilliant idea to do video logs (I've only done 3 since we started training in January - don't judge! lol) -- I have posted links for those below.  I am hopeful to help someone else on their own journey, or to simply shed light on my own journey.  

Video 1 filmed 01/05/2015

Video 2 filmed 01/07/2015

Video 3 filmed 01/26/2015

So far, I have lost over 10 pounds and a little over 2% body fat!  WOOHOO!  Slow and steady baby.  I also aggravated the lymph-edema in my right arm (resulting in increased swelling, numbness/tingling in fingers, and decreased mobility in my hand).  Perhaps I should stick with movement and R.O.M. exercises over weight-bearing exercises.  ;)

I have ALSO uploaded an older video of me singing "Stay" by Sugarland at karaoke -- it was filmed in May 2012 with a male friend singing harmony.  


I am working on more videos to share!

Hope all is well with all of you!

Happy First Day of Spring!  ♥