Friday, November 29, 2013

...and so it begins...

Today was the first of my monthly Zoladex injections.  I went in for my usual weekly dose of Herceptin (administered over 90 minutes) and when it was complete, the nurse informed me that we would move to a private room for the injection as it is more comfortable for me to be lying flat.  We went in, dose and med was confirmed by another nurse (as are all of the meds that are given at The Cancer Center).  I lie down on the bed and expose my belly.  The nurse sprayed me with a numbing spray (cold and wet) and did a few 'test' touches to see if I was numb.  Of course, it merely took the edge off and didn't fully numb be, but c'est la vie, right?  She warns me of the pinch...injects the med...that's it, right?

Well, now I'm extremely curious as to the size of the needle.  I was way too nervous to look beforehand (given the previous nurse's comments last week about the size of the needle), and I ask to see it.  She chuckles and says, "Oh, trust me...you don't want to see it..."  I chuckle, nervously, and say, "It's really just a morbid curiosity..."  She shows me the needle.  Damn it...she was right!  I didn't want to see it!  I can't UNSEE it.  *lol*  I found a few pics online of my dosage/needle size and comparison for you to check out...

my dosage = 3.6mg monthly

in comparison, it's a big mama-jamma :-\

Why, oh why is the needle so damn large?!  WELL...Zoladex is actually a tiny implant inserted through the needle (injected under the skin on your stomach).  The implant is time-released medicine and will dissolve in my body over time.  Now, of course, the fun begins.  Nurse said that I may notice menopausal symptoms in several days to a week.  ...and so it begins...

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

radiation update

I went in for my regular treatment today and the techs told me that I would be spending more time on the table so that they could work up a simulation of my 'boost treatment' position and have Dr T come in, take a look and talk to me about it.

In order to give my skin a break underneath my arm, we switch to the boost treatment (a different position) targeting my tumor bed and then return to my regular treatment.  Everything was going well, we figured out a fairly comfortable and functional position for the boost treatment.  Unfortunately, my skin is still not cooperating.  The skin under my breast is now breaking down, separating and peeling around my scar (the tumor bed area).  Dr T said that this is a grade 3 skin reaction and that means to stop (again).  On the plus side, the skin under my arm is showing definite signs of healing.  However, the skin under my breast is now hurting and breaking down.  We talked about Vigilon (which I didn't particularly care for, and what I experienced with it, he said I may have been having an allergic reaction to it), so he recommended Gold Bond Medicated Powder (pointing out that with open skin under the breast, I am at a greater risk of a fungal infection).  He said that I can use the Aquaphor healing ointment if I wanted to, but that the powder would help keep the area dry, keep it from itching and should help reduce the risk of an infection.  Powder it is...!  :)  Due to the skin reaction, he opted to hold the boost treatment today.  He also suggested that I take Monday off from radiation as well, and resume Tuesday.  I will see him first to take a look at my skin and decide if we will move forward or stay in the 'holding pattern'.  He said that the breaks in treatment don't necessarily change the treatment but rather the end date of the treatment.  I was already looking at having radiation daily through the end of the year...looks like I was right.





I did get a few pics of me on the bed for treatment -- this is my current position for treatment.  The bed can move 360 degrees and the machine (above me) can rotate around both sides of the bed as well (which it does during my treatment).  It is really quite interesting how they measure the angles, position the body and the machine and treat specific targeted areas.  Much more precise than one would initially imagine when hearing about radiation treatments.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!  {today is my Pap's favorite day -- he always said he loved the 'hustle & bustle' of everyone being at their house, prepping the bird and the sides in the kitchen the night before}


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I am thankful

I finished chemo treatments on September 23rd…and I am now nearly halfway through my radiation treatments.  My skin is not cooperating as much as I’d like it to, but it’s not as bad as it could be, I suppose.  So far, it is an area under my arm that is breaking down and opening up, and underneath my breast is not only very dark, but is also very red, tender and opening up.  Did I mention that my entire breast is swollen?  *sigh*  oh the joy…
I can’t wait to be done with the treatments.  At this point, the medication regiments will go for another 5 and 10 years, but the more miserable parts of treatment (i.e., chemo and radiation) will be done soon…and the ‘poisons’ will have worked their way out of my body. 
At least I am past the actual chemo treatments and their ‘immediate’ side effects.  I. am. DONE.  I-AM-DONE!  {with chemo, at least}  No more bone pain…no more nausea…no more hair loss…no more stomach issues…no more loss of appetite or messed up taste buds...no more excruciatingly heightened sense of smell...no more swollen feet/ankles/legs...no more funky feet (did you see the post with my ugly toenails? one fell off and one was cut off by a Dr)...no more restless, sleepless nights...  {and as I write this, I think... “Hmm…but, wait…that’s a possible side effect of this med, and that’s a possible side effect of that med…”  HOPEFULLY those side effects do not rear their heads}  Essentially…the big stuff…the really tough stuff…is over.
Essentially, in another year, I should be back to ‘normal’ – whatever that may be…I’m sure my new normal is going to be much different than before.  Life as we know it is over and gone…which leads me to my ‘topic’ – a cancer diagnosis is devastating and the recovery journey can be daunting.  This journey is scary, awful, dark, dismal, tough, grueling, amazing, eye-opening, personal and L-O-N-G.  A lot of what is hard to swallow in this journey is the literal grief you feel over the changes in your life – the physical changes (the loss of your hair, your scars, among other things) as well as the mental and emotional changes.  Your life will never be the same.  It may be better than you had ever imagined before your diagnosis.  It may be far worse than you had ever imagined.  But one thing is for damn sure, your life…your ‘normal’ WILL BE DIFFERENT!
I admit it…when I start to think about being done with treatment, my head spins a little bit.  It doesn't feel REAL yet.  Maybe I’m not close enough to the end yet.  I can’t visualize the outcome…normally I can visualize a goal and myself achieving said goal.  Since my diagnosis, I have not been able to TRULY do this. 
I also feel like I am standing still while the rest of the world…the rest of life…goes on around me.  Looking back on this past year, I often find myself feeling bewildered.  Like, W-T-F just happened?!  I mean, I was working towards the end of my Spring Semester of Grad & Undergrad classes...it was March.  On March 21st, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am now striving to be cancer FREE…to be a SURVIVOR.
Most days, I’m tired.  I am still quite forgetful (gotta love ‘chemo brain’ and menopause).  I don’t understand any of this…how nearly a year ago I was fine, and then I wasn't, and then there were surgeries and (what seem like endless) treatments…and now I’m on this insanely long road to recovery.
I know that it will be okay.  That regardless of what my life will become, I will be ‘okay’.  Some day, I won’t be so tired.  Some day, I won’t wear a wig.  Some day, I won’t need to have my head covered constantly (for heat, or for pride).  Some day, this will all seem like just a blip on the radar of my life.  Some day, other women will not have to go through this hell.  I am eternally thankful for the mere hope of that ‘some day'...of all of those some days.
Thank you all so very much for your love, your words of support, your tears and all the laughs over these past months.  You all are a huge part of making this craptastic "journey" more bearable.


Friday, November 22, 2013

menopause sch-menopause

I re-started my Herceptin treatments as of last Friday (11/15).  In light of my H-induced cardiomyopathy, my Medical Oncologist recommended weekly H treatments instead of every 3 weeks.  Supposedly this dosing schedule will be better for my heart.  My dose last week was to be a 're-loading' dose and was administered over 90 minutes.  I was told then that each following week would only be a 30 minute treatment.  So, today I arrive for treatment with just my cellphone to keep me company.  Unfortunately, THIS week was also to be administered over 90 minutes, and so I was quite bored.  Of course, the time for the dose to be administered (or the 'drip time') does not account for the time that one waits while the pharmacist readies your medications, the nurses tend to other patients, etc.  For instance, last week I was there for several hours...today, I was there for 4 hours.  I was also supposed to start my Zoladex shot today, but my nurse went to ask the pharmacist a question about my meds and he pointed out that that shot should also be administered monthly, not every three months, as that is the suggested dosage for anyone with a cardiac history.  The nurse informs me and then points out that on the plus side, the needle is a smaller gauge for the monthly shot.  *whew*  I have no idea what size the needle for the shot is...but, I am admittedly a little scared now ;)  With the dosage change, I have to wait until next week to start that med.  At least I won't have any major menopausal symptoms for Thanksgiving ;)

On another note...our middle fur kid, AJ, is 'quarantined' at the moment.  She has been peeing outside of her litter box...despite the fact that 2ie cleans them often and there are 4 litter boxes for 3 kitties.  She knows where they are located, has no problems going up and down the stairs or through the kitty door to get there.  She will follow you down to the basement and back up again, so you know she can do it.  However, about a month ago, we started finding puddles in front of the fridge.  After 2 clean ups, she stopped...or so we thought.  Now, earlier this week, we found a puddle under the piano...that would be the first of several.  After each scrub of the carpet and floor with cleaner, she would wait nearly a whole day, lulling us in to a false sense of security that she wouldn't be doing it again...but, alas, she would squat (even right in front of 2ie) and pee.  We took her to the vet yesterday and she doesn't have a temperature or any noticeable physical symptoms that would be causing this behavior.  The vet ran blood work and it all came back normal, again ruling out any physical symptoms.  They also wanted to run a urinalysis.  We left AJ at the vet's office so that they could run blood work and collect the urine sample.  Of course, we are 'those' parents and called to check in on our little angel just a few hours later.  At this point, we were informed that she was quite scared and that they didn't think she'd pee for them (apparently, there were several other canine patients that were quite vocal and since she is not accustomed to that, she was quite scared, not to mention her unfamiliar surroundings).  I picked her up, brought her home, and put her in the bathroom with food, water, a blanket and a litter box with plastic bead litter so that we could collect any urine and take it in for analysis.  Of course, she didn't pee all day...until...around 10 pm...when she not only peed, but she flipped the box over (either when jumping out or when trying to bury it).  I had to clean up all those annoying plastic beads and cat pee (*ugh!*).  At that point, I let her run free.  After all, I had pee to scrub up.  2ie and I collaborated and decided to give her more 'pee pebbles' and put in more glass beads (think those types that you would put in a flower vase)...and 2ie duct taped her litter box to the floor so it wouldn't flip.  She has been in the bathroom since 11 AM this morning...and still no pee (it's almost 11 PM).  She is eating and drinking.  No accidents anywhere else in the room.  The vet said that cats can hold their urine for quite some time.  Hopefully she pees soon so she can roam free again.  The other 2 kids have sniffed at the door, pawed at her, and she paws back.  It's sad.  Her behavior is normal other than the peeing outside of the litter box.  She hasn't pooed anywhere outside of the box (that we have found).  She still plays with her sisters and with her mommies.  She eats...she drinks.  She climbs in to her Miller Lite box, gets comfy and takes a nap.  All normal stuff.  *lol*  Any ideas or suggestions as to how to change her bad behavior?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Ch-ch-ch-changes

On Monday I saw the Medical Oncologist - we talked about a few things, including my 2 NEW meds! YAY! <-- *dripping with sarcasm*


I will now be on Tamoxifen (an anti-estrogen medication) daily - it is a 10 year regiment (at least).  I dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy on Monday and it had to be ordered, so I just picked it up yesterday.  I read over the side effects and SHEESH!  Scary!  But, the literature actually states that for women with breast cancer, the benefits of the medication greatly outweigh the side effects.  Let's pray that NONE of the scary things happen!

I will also be on an injection (Zoladex) every 3 months for 5 years (at least).  The injection will essentially "shut off" my ovaries.  Considering that my cancer is estrogen positive, I need to either have my ovaries removed, or take this injection every 3 months.  According to the doc, it will definitely force my body in to menopause.  He seems to think that the menopause symptoms I experienced throughout my chemotherapy were mild compared to what I will experience with the injection.  He said, "you will hate me once you start experiencing the menopausal symptoms"

g-r-e-a-t!  <-- also *dripping with sarcasm*

I called my gynecologist today and left a message to have her call me.  I won't see her until December for my annual exam.  I want to hear what she has to say regarding the 2 new meds and what they might mean for someone with PCOS.  Don't get me wrong...I trust my Medical Oncologist, but I also know that she (my gynecologist) has been doctoring with me for 6 or more years with my bilateral ovarian cysts.  I want to see what her medical opinion is on these meds and my history, etc.


I want to know if the meds will affect my cysts, what my chances are (statistically) to ovulate and conceive with PCOS after having been on these meds for any length of time, whether my eggs will still be viable, and what types of risks I may endure with PCOS and any changes or surges in hormones while trying to establish ovulation and/or trying to conceive...not to mention once I would be pregnant.  *sigh*  So many questions.  While I realize that not having my own biological children is not the end of the world, I just feel so damn cheated by the cancer!  I honestly truly feel that the cancer is cheating me out of motherhood!  I support adoption...fostering...and fostering to adopt.  I would consider it, whether I can conceive or not...but, it's just NOT fair!

My Medical Oncologist told me that if I were older, had at least one child, or could definitively tell him that I am not planning a family in the next 5 - 10 years, then he would recommend that I have my ovaries removed instead of going through with the injection to stop them from producing estrogen.  He also told me that if I decided that I want to have a child that it would have to be a planned pregnancy on many levels including weaning me off of my meds, etc.  He asked me to seriously consider whether I would be having children in the next 5 or 10 years...then decide whether to do both the shot and Tamoxifen...or opt to have ovaries removed. It's a lot to absorb right now. I thought we were past that particular subject. I have heard that there can be spikes in hormones in pregnancy and that those spikes can cause and/or feed cancer....that scares the bejeezus out of me too...just as much as the idea of not ever having my own biological children!


Yesterday (Wednesday), I was supposed to see the Radiation Oncologist, get my treatment (radiation) and get 're-simmed' for my boost treatment.  I only saw the doc...seems that while my side effects are completely normal and to be expected (I have been through chemo so my skin has changed, I have fair skin and light eyes, and I'm large busted), they were not expected YET.  I'm not even at my halfway mark.  So, the doc decided to give me a few days off to allow my skin to heal a bit.  It seems that the skin under my arm is starting to break down, and the skin under my breast is also starting to break down but isn't nearly as bad as under my arm yet.  






can you tell that my right breast (the one with the green marks and stickers) is a different color than my left breast?  it's not only more pink/red, but the areola and nipple are darkening as my radiation progresses


the area under my arm where my skin is breaking down
(notice the appearance of a darker square shape on my side)




this is when it first started under my arm




I am to keep it covered with the Aquaphor ointment


I have also been experiencing some changes with my body hair 
(eyebrows and eyelashes)






here I am with a little bit of peach fuzz 
(am I the only one that sees the bald spot 
on the middle of the top of my head?!)


do you see how sparse and light my eyebrows are?




close up of right eyebrow

close up of left eyebrow (notice the sparse eyelashes too?)



close up of sparse/missing eyelashes on left eye


close up of sparse/missing eyelashes on right eye

Finally...have any of you all been curious about WHERE I go every day for Radiation?  Admit it - you are! :)

...here is the radiation treatment room...


...and here is the ceiling in the radiation treatment room...
pretty, huh?  
the green trees look like they have coconuts growing on them





Thursday, November 14, 2013

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

On Tuesday, November 12, Trinity held their annual Cancer Survivors dinner.  I planned to attend with Jennifer (my C-I-L).  I was 'on the fence' about whether to wear 'my hair' (AKA my wig) or a scarf.  I decided that if I was going to dress up, I was going to 'go for it' and doll myself up with make up and don my hair.  It took more time than I care to admit (had to take breaks), but this was the end result (see pics below).  I meant to take a 'before' picture, but forgot.  As I was getting ready, I reached a point where I had my make up done and my wig cap on...I had THIS thought...*whew* "I have a much greater appreciation for the effort that drag queens put in to their pre-show prep"  {yes, I truly thought that...and I admit it, I cracked myself up! *wink*}

...bangs swept over my forehead...

...bangs swept off to side...





here I am with my 'date' Jennifer  ♥
(not the most flattering picture, but we were attempting a 'selfie' before we left the dinner)

It was nice to get dressed up and dolled up, but I admit that it felt so damn good to come home and slip off my wig.  I hung it on the bathroom door and 2ie saw it this morning and jokingly said, "You're lucky I didn't see that in the middle of the night...I would have woke you up to yell at you for scaring the sh** out of me!  I thought that there was a giant rodent on our door!"  :-p

Monday, November 11, 2013

BZZAgent - Kroger Skillet Meals Campaign


The holidays are always packed with fun parties, big meals and boisterous celebrations. But all those things sure take a lot of work! You’ve got a lot on your plate this time of year, which is why Kroger wants to make sure you’ve actually got something on your dinner plate on those nights between big events. With Kroger Skillet Meals you can have a quick, easy and delicious meal, while taking one thing off your to-do list and helping you get through this joyfully crazy time of year.



Ready in just 10 minutes, each Kroger Skillet meal contains at least two servings per bag and 20 grams, or more, of protein per serving.

Enjoy a wide variety of authentic Italian flavors including NEW Tuscan-Style Penne, Sausage Rigatoni, Penne with Grilled Chicken and many more! Also available in delicious NEW Asian and Mexican varieties like Shrimp Lo Mein or Chicken Fajitas.

Create a complete meal by pairing Kroger Skillet Meals with your favorite sides, such as Kroger Garlic Bread, and Fresh Selections Salad Kits.




As a bzzagent I receive a coupon for a FREE garlic bread, fresh selections salad kit and a Kroger skillet meal -- I also receive several coupons to give to friends -- interested? Message me for a coupon! 


Friday, November 8, 2013

gettin' my groove back in the kitchen


On Wednesday evening I posted on Facebook that I was gettin' my groove back in the kitchen and whipping up some goodies...and 35 people liked it.  I'm glad my friends are happy that I'm making progress.  :)

I was definitely happy to be in the kitchen...despite the exhaustion that followed...and the aching back, legs and arm (damn lymphedema)...I whipped up GG's "Kiss My Grits" pie and Harvest Chocolate Chip cookies.  These were just two of the recipes that I had submitted to the annual Herald Star Holiday Cookbook contest.  These were the two selected to be made and brought in for sampling by the foodie judges.  I was happy to oblige.  

On Thursday, I dropped off my baked goods to be sampled and headed to radiation...with a few cookies in hand for my lovely techs.  They were eager to try the decadent morsels.  After treatment, I went back to find out if I was a 'weener' as 2ie said (haha).  I won 2nd place in my category of Holiday Cookies and Candy.  My recipe will be featured in the holiday cookbook, as well as my picture.  Yep, that's right...my braless self complete with bald head.  At least I was wearing layers and a hat.  ;)

Today, I went to radiation and first thing my techs say?...not "hello"...not "come on back"..."did you bring us the recipe for those cookies?"  LOL  I told them that I won 2nd place in my category.  I made a mental note to take the recipe on Monday.

I also received a phone call this afternoon from the coordinator of the holiday cookbook contest.  She said she was looking through the photos of the winners and wanted to reach out to me.  She realized that she knew my face.  She asked if I was currently undergoing treatment.  We chatted about my experience so far, and she assured me that there is light at the end of the tunnel (her husband is a cancer survivor).  She said that she finds it extremely wonderful and admirable that at this time in my life I had the desire, the energy and the ability to not only enter the contest, but to make two tasty dishes as a finalist and win a prize in my category!  It was a brief phone conversation but very touching and heartwarming that she reached out to me.

Amazing what a difference a smile or a kind word can make in your day -- pay it forward my friends!  ♥

Have a great weekend all! xo


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

O' Hairy Scary Christmas Tree



Several thoughts for today - 


(1) The non-metallic deodorant that they gave me to wear during radiation treatments smells like one of those cardboard pine-tree shaped car fresheners...I kid you not!  If you sweat at all while wearing it, you will smell like a sweaty, stinky Christmas tree...trust me, it's not pretty.

(2) They have told me not to shave my armpit on the side that is being treated (right) during treatments as it could add to irritation and/or skin reaction.  This is fine as long as the chemo-induced alopecia is there...after that, things could get a bit hairy ;)

(3) I am also not supposed to wear a bra because it could add to irritation and/or skin reaction...for a big busted woman, this is a little scary.  While I admit that having an excuse to go bra-less, it's a bit unnerving to go anywhere without one.  As the nurse so aptly put it, thankfully it is cold and I can wear layers to make myself feel better about it.

(4) As I get further away from chemo, I am starting to grow a little bit of 'peach fuzz' on my noggin.  I noticed something odd last night, I have patches on top of my head that are NOT growing any type of peach fuzz.  I thought maybe it was just the way the light was hitting my scalp.  Then today, 2ie pointed out that I do indeed have several patches that are smooth and bald and not growing any type of peach fuzz.  In fact, there is one rather large area that I am a bit worried about (almost like male pattern baldness if/when the peach fuzz grows in). While I have jokingly said that I hate to see some of the chemo-induced alopecia go, I sure as heck did NOT mean that to be applicable to the top of my head!  *sigh*

(5) I have had a total of 6 radiation treatments so far...and I felt the (mild) skin reaction as soon as the 2nd treatment and saw it as soon as the 3rd...it is like a mild sunburn on my right side (on and around my breast).  Not 'fun' but definitely not as awful as some of the chemo side effects!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Goodbye October...Hello November

Happy Halloween!  I came downstairs last night and told 2ie
 that I sprouted my 'ears' due to the radiation treatment ;)

Unfortunately, my toes are REALLY this icky -- this is NOT a Halloween prank! :-(  One of the ('lingering') cumulative effects of chemo -- the nail beds of both of my big toes have bruised, pooling blood beneath the nail, and both nails have now started to separate from my toes.  Medical Oncologist said it's a fairly normal side effect and that I will most likely lose both nails before it is all said and done.  *ugh*

My radiation treatments were somewhat delayed at the end of October.  I had the scan and form done for the treatment plan to be plotted out on October 18th.  When I returned for the films (October 25th), the staff found that it was incredibly difficult to replicate the angles and positions and that each day would be a lengthy process versus what should be fairly routine and quick.  After discussing with the Radiation Oncologist and calling him in the room to view the 'troubles', it was decided that I would have ANOTHER scan done (without a net tube top to manipulate the placement of my breast).  The NEW scan also called for a new treatment plan to be plotted and new films to be taken, etc etc.  After nearly another week, I returned for my films and very first radiation treatment (October 30th).  Today, I am 3 treatments in and I was supposed to meet with the doc.  He told the nurse that he didn't need to see me unless I was having problems or had questions.  I didn't have either, so I opted to head home.  The nurse did look at my radiation site and I do have a mild skin reaction, just three days in.  I was quite pink and sore around the areas.  I hope that I don't encounter a lot of delays or setbacks throughout treatment due to the skin reaction.  *fingers crossed*  At this point, my radiation schedule runs through the end of the year.

On October 21st I met with both the Medical Oncologist and the Cardiologist (separate appointments).  The M.O. informed me that I needed to repeat my echocardiogram sooner, rather than later, in order to get back to my Herceptin treatment (if possible) so that I wouldn't fall behind the window of time suggested to re-start the treatments.  The C hadn't initially planned to repeat the echo prior to November, wanting to allow the optimum time for the new heart meds to work.  The C increased 1 of my meds, hoping to give me the maximum benefit of it.  {so far, so good}  The 2 docs discussed their ideas/concerns and timelines over the phone.  The M.O. must have 'won' because a few days later, I was being scheduled for an echo (done on October 30th).  

Right now, I go daily for radiation treatments.  IF my echo results show that my ejection fractions have returned to the 'normal range', then I will re-start Herceptin soon.  The M.O. indicated that it is suggested that Herceptin treatments be weekly for those that may experience H-induced Cardiomyopathy because it is 'easier' on the heart.  Now I just wait for the echo results.

I had to cancel my last 2 O.T. appointments for my lymphedema due to conflicts with other appointments.  I hope to get back to that next week also.  We were just starting to make some progress with the swelling and pain in the arm.  I'm hopeful that this lull won't reverse that progress!

Yesterday, the hospital called to have me go back to the heart center today to have a repeat echo and IV.  I was a little freaked out (& of course, it was after hours for my Cardiologist office to shed any light on this).  I went today and it turns out, the tech needed to repeat key views of the echo with a Definity injection (essentially, an ultrasound contrast agent).  *whew*  The tech that did the echo on October 30th was new to me; I had had the same tech for my initial echo (pre-chemo) and the follow up echo (that showed the reduced ejection fractions).  She gave me Definity each time; same Cardiologist read the test both times and verbally ordered/authorized the injection.  Apparently, he was not happy to find out the most recent echo did not include the contrast agent.  I am happy to  learn that he has somewhat of a 'reputation' for being a stickler for details.  You gotta love that in a doctor ;)