...it certainly is...

I'm sure you've all heard the saying, "Life is a Journey, Not a Destination."  It certainly is a journey.  A chaotic, haphazard, crappy (at times), sappy, happy-go-lucky, lovely journey.  I'm grateful to have you all (my friends and family) on this journey.  You all make it worthwhile.  

♥ xo ♥

Long overdue....

I really and truly have been putting this off for some time now.  *deep breath*  As some of you already know, my partner (2ie) left me in May.  There are many unresolved feelings and issues (at least on my part).  I keep trying to rationalize the situation,  much to my detriment.  I am looking for answers and reasons behind 2ie just packing up and leaving.  I'm baffled by this all...we had made it through the darkest times together and yet, here we were on the other side of it all....so close to the "finish line" and 2ie gave up and just walked away.  Very little emotion, hardly any talking, absolutely NO willingness to discuss or work out any issues we may have had...just an "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you anymore".  A punch to the gut.  Looking back on our relationship, there were issues, but when you're in love with someone, you often wear blinders.  Things I accepted as "normal" behavior, turns out not so much.  I was absolutely devastated when the bomb was finally dropped.  I knew SOMETHING was coming...after all, just the week before I had received a phone call from 2ie's supposed bff...she was incredibly ignorant and unkind in what she said to me...and she outright LIED to me (none of this shocked me...after all, I'd been wary of her for several years, especially recently).  I was very upset by the phone call and sobbing pretty hard...I needed to talk to 2ie, so I texted...no answer...called...no answer...called work phone...no answer...finally, I was able to get 2ie on the line.  After I got cut off and chewed out, I was informed that there was no need for me to rehash any of the phone call as the truth was already known.  Since when is it acceptable for your partner to take a friend's side over their partner?  And not want to hear both sides?  And not want to console the sobbing partner on the phone?  A shower, several hours and multiple xanax later, I was still heavily sobbing and feeling heartbroken.  I called a nearby friend who was so worried about me and my state of mind that she drove over to sit with me.  It only got worse when 2ie got home.  Standing outside, on the phone with her bff...telling her and her wife to come over to work this all out.  I have asked several times what would have happened if that would have been the case...would they have both sat there and lied to our faces?  Lord knows the bff already did that...numerous times...  Anyway, after a week of barely speaking to me or texting me, 2ie finally had the guts to face me and tell me that we were through.  There was supposedly nothing I could say or do to change it.  I cried, I yelled, I asked questions... 2ie left...for a bite to eat (even though we lived right across the street from numerous fast food options, 2ie drove to a bar that her bff's friends own).  The next few weeks were freaking torture.  2ie was mean, selfish and uncaring.  Would leave to unpack at the other house (which I helped get ready to move in to...which the bff trashed) and not come back until 3 or 5AM.  I knew that the bff was more than that...her own wife suspicious because she started hiding her phone (which started the fight and phone call), but 2ie became even more paranoid about me viewing any call or text histories...plus sneaking to call or text when she thought I was sleeping, or guarding her phone with her life.  It makes sick just to think about it.  Of course I will never know the truth because they still lie to me on a regular basis, even when I ask for the truth for closure.  I know we all love our gal pals and bffs, but a minimum of 4 phone calls a day to each other AND thousands of texts between just the two of them...hmmm.  But I was told that I was just an overly jealous person...making shit up in my head.  Really bitches?!  I have the call/text logs in black and white.

So, despite my best efforts, I feel lower than low over the fact that the love of my life picked a fucked up situation over what we had together.  It's easier said than done (I struggle with it on a daily basis), but it is HER loss, not MINE.  It speaks more to HER character than MINE (even though I am apparently a bad person for posting any feelings on Facebook... Come on now!  I didn't name names...so if you read it and automatically think it pertains to you, shame on you for doing anything you think warrants that reaction and if your friends or family read a post and automatically think of you, then shame on them for not thinking more of you than that).  I mean, after all she left me for her supposed bff (a mutual friend) who had also previously rented her house, trashed it, owed her several thousand dollars, has been in jail for numerous charges, was married (legally) to another woman and cheated, has kids and grandkids that she rarely sees because she is too far stuck up each new gf's ass to be bothered.  You know how PigPen had a dust cloud swirling around him in the Peanuts gang?  That's this chick and drama.  She doesn't clean or care about personal appearance and living conditions.  We had been cleaning and repairing the house (thousands of dollars in repairs and that was just to make it liveable again) and I swear those bitches didn't clean a thing in the entire 7 years they lived there.  White ceiling fan blades were black and had to be soaked in goo be gone and scrubbed with a magic eraser (1 per fan blade).  It was BEYOND disgusting.  The entire time she lived there and knew us, she supposedly had feelings for 2ie.  But she still lived with and married two other women...and never divulged this to them.  I have asked 2ie NUMEROUS times and it is just ignored -- but, seriously, can you explain how this bitch did ALL of this destruction and didn't bend over backwards to be GOOD to her?  I mean, she took advantage of her!  And yet, she left me for her.  We weren't broke, but we weren't living extravagantly either - and cancer treatments were a bitch to manage and get covered - but we were careful.  This bitch NEVER has cash, her bills are always overdue (even those that were still in 2ie's name - utilities at the house), she was always borrowing cash to pay bills, buy food or put gas in her car (or begging for rides to places)....but ALWAYS had weed or her wife would have a new tattoo or they would go to dinner and a show in Pittsburgh.  I mean, seriously!?!?!?!??!  It makes me feel sick that 2ie would choose the worst possible situation to live in over what we had together -- but it speaks more about her than me. 

After all, this is her thing...she cheats (emotionally and/or physically) and leaves her relationship whenever she is bored or getting more excitement and attention elsewhere. 

Upon further reflection, she and her brother are more similar than I ever imagined.  That alone makes me sick and should qualify her for a psych eval....just sayin'...

She swears she still cares about me and wants to be friends, but I rarely hear from her unless she needs something... And then her attitude is pretty shitty and defensive. 

What's worse is that I'm sure that friends and family are not getting the full story.  I will be the bad guy...not the new girlfriend.  No one will ever know the truth about her and the level of craziness and the money owed and property ruined.  *sigh*

I can only hope that karma is swift and is as ruthless as they were in their recent actions.

ever feel like you're stuck in a time loop?

I have doctor appointments EVERY day of the week...sometimes, I have TWO per day (or more)!  I'm so tired of the constant 'doctoring' -- I know it is for my own good and to get and stay healthy, but a girl can get pretty tired and cranky when all she does is sit and wait all day for doctors.  :-\

I went to see Dr R (oncologist) last week (3/25/14) and discussed my concerns regarding my most recent appointment with my gyno**.  He expressed some of the same concerns that I did (i.e., increased risk for uterine cancer, can't carry a child without HRT and I can't have HRT, etc).  He urged me to get a second opinion if I was concerned about the decision and the surgery.  I also asked about my PET scan.  Call me crazy, but I started to wonder if my puking and gown taping was added to the overall report.  I worried that my Dr had no idea that any of that had happened.  He said it was indeed noted in the report (the puking) but that he was confident in the results.  They check for three key areas with former breast cancer patients (lungs, liver and bones) and none of those came back as positive for cancer...so, now I can finally (& fully) rejoice in this good news!  He also told me that the breast pain that I feel is a common complaint among breast cancer patients and survivors.  He didn't have any medical advice to offer on this subject (and he apologized for the lack thereof), but he acknowledged that it is a common complaint.  I was a bit worried that it could mean something else.  The last time I had pain, I had a lump the size of an egg incubating in the milk duct of my right breast (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma).  Thankfully, my scan...my mammogram...and my breast exam do NOT show any signs or symptoms of cancer!  My PET Scan DID show a curvature of my spin...and the Dr pointed it out in the report, as well as during my exam.  I also asked about my CEA (bloodwork drawn 1/28; results rec'd 1/31).  Dr R said that it is typically done after a patient completes chemo and radiation.  It is another tool in monitoring a patient, used in conjunction (of course) with the PET scan.  I asked about the scale going from 0 - 40 and what it meant that mine is 14.6; he said that anywhere from 0 to 40 is considered 'normal' and I shouldn't worry that mine is 14.6.  He also told me that he is proud of me and how I made it through everything and still managed to keep a smile on my face and be pleasant to the staff.   I asked if my hair would start growing any faster (seriously, I feel like it hasn't grown much at all since it 'filled in').  He said that it would not, that it would definitely be different hair growth patterns than before cancer treatments.  He then commented on how full my hair looked overall and asked what I did because he has patients that have bald spots on their heads.  I told him that I kept shaving it until it was no longer patchy (there was a time when it first started to grow back that I still had some awful bald patches).  He was very intrigued by this idea.  My next follow up is July.  {although, I will be speaking to him and his nurse before that -- I am to check in after my surgery}

Speaking of my mammogram, I went on St. Patrick's Day (3/17/14) to have my shamrocks squeezed.  After the images were taken, I waited to see Dr V (the same Dr that diagnosed me).  I walk in to the room and she is looking at the 'wall of monitors' and reviewing my images.  My already nervous stomach dropped when I saw an image of a tumor on the screen.  I must have made a noise at that point, because she turned around just as the nurse who had escorted me in to the room stepped out.  She saw my face and said "oh no!  this is NOT your current scan -- see!?  this is LAST year....this is THIS year...I have them side by side to compare the images".....I felt the relief flood my body.  I asked her about the breast pain and discomfort that I have...she said she didn't know why I would have that, nothing on my scans showed that there was any physical reason for it.  I asked if it could be my body adjusting to scar tissue...she said "perhaps...".

** = We discussed whether or not my upcoming surgery would be full or partial hysterectomy.  I indicated a strong desire for a full hysterectomy and she gave me several reasons not to go that route.  I am NOT confident in the final decision as I feel like she wasn't really listening to me.

I go to see my PCP this week (Wednesday, 4/2/14) for 'pre-surgery' paperwork - I need to be cleared for the surgery.  I also need to talk to her about my concerns and see what she (professionally) recommends that I do.

I have PT (left knee) and OT (right arm) twice this week...as long as my GERD doesn't wreak havoc again this week!  

I also have appointments with the ortho doc (follow up on left knee, consult on right ankle) AND the gastroenterologist (for GERD issues).

Long story short...I had a tooth extracted on March 19th.  The dentist was FANTASTIC!  However, he prescribed clindamycin to ward off any infections and naproxen for any pain.  Thus began the worst GERD symptoms that I have experienced to date.  I had intense heartburn and spasms and burning particularly when I swallowed (even air/saliva).  My only 2 med changes recently were clindamycin and naproxen (had started just a week or so before all of this, as it was prescribed for arthritis in my knee).  I was also (wet) burping up acid AND throwing up stomach acid.  I couldn't eat or drink much without an upset stomach and pain from swallowing.  *ugh*  I hope that the gastro doc can help!  I also hope that the ortho doc has another idea for pain management, besides naproxen.

I also have Herceptin (again) this Friday.  Last Friday, I asked about my MUGA results (done 3/24/14).  Nurse V looked them up and had Dr R review them.  She came back and told me that my ejection fractions were at 48% but that Dr R reviewed the results and was comfortable continuing my Herceptin.  My last MUGA (1/29/14) had shown EF at 51% (if I am remembering correctly).  This one is 48% which is slightly below 'normal' range.  I don't like that my EF keeps going up and down.  And apparently (at least in the recent past), my MO and Cardiologist didn't like it either.  The last time I dipped below 50% they put the Herceptin on hold.  Not entirely sure why we're not going in to a holding pattern this time, but I do plan to find out! :)

I went to see the neurosurgeon on 3/21/14 as a follow up regarding a cystic lesion found in my brain during an initial MRI (at the beginning of my diagnosis/treatment last year).  Dr. B reviewed my latest MRI (done 3/10/14) and said that there does not seem to be any significant changes.  I am to repeat the MRI in approximately 1 year, if still no changes, then there is nothing to worry about.

so many emotions

I set out this afternoon to check off a few items on my to do list...and blogging was one of those things.  I have put off this post for a while now.  Anyone else notice my avoidance of writing and sharing at times?  I see it particularly when I am writing about bad news or somber emotions.  

March 21st...the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  You know what's odd?  The ability of the body to remember, not just the mind but the body.  I definitely had a physical reaction to the date on the calendar.  Looking back, it has been one hell of a whirl wind of a year.  NOTHING is the same.  My body is different (some good ways, some bad ways).  My mind is definitely different (hold all wise cracks, please *lol*).  My soul is different.  Cancer has touched me, my family and my close friends in ways that most will never know.  I can only pray that other folks never go through this...this hell...truly, this hell on Earth.  

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited....

It cannot cripple love. 

It cannot shatter hope. 

It cannot corrode faith. 

It cannot eat away peace. 

It cannot destroy confidence. 

It cannot kill friendship. 

It cannot shut out memories. 

It cannot silence courage. 

It cannot reduce eternal life. 

It cannot quench the Spirit. 

-- Author Unknown

I see this poem on nearly every visit to the local Cancer treatment center.  I can't tell you how many times I have read it.  Each time, I think "I don't know that I agree with that completely."  Let's take it point by point, shall we?

No, it cannot cripple love.  I am truly grateful for the wonderful partner that I have to journey through life.  Cancer did not, and will not, cripple our love for each other.  

Yes, it CAN shatter hope.  It certainly shattered MY hopes and dreams of a future.  It kicked me in the stomach and pulled the carpet out from underneath me.  My "normal" will never be the same.  My dreams for the future have changed (drastically, I might add).  I am grieving for the life that we could have had, if Cancer would not have touched our lives.

Yes, I think it CAN corrode faith.  I'd be lying if I said that I never questioned God and His plan for me when I was diagnosed.  Especially as I found out more about how it would affect fertility and plans for a family...I most certainly did (& continue to) question my faith.  It is rather tricky though.  I do believe that God has a plan for us, I just feel that my diagnosis and the trials and tribulations that have gone along with it have caused me to reflect and question that plan.  I still have faith, it is just shaken...and understandably so.

Yes, it most certainly CAN eat away peace.  I struggle on a daily basis with inner peace.  Like I said, my "normal" will never be the same.  Everything has changed, and not because I wanted it to, and not due to any consequence of poor habits or actions...but because of Cancer.  I try NOT to let it destroy my peace...but, I'm human...and it DOES get the best of  me some days.  

Okay, so maybe it can't destroy confidence, but it can rock it to the core.  Your body image changes (losing all of your hair will do that to a girl), your physical health changes...you find your confidence in new ways.  For instance, if you found your confidence in your winning smile and then all of your teeth fell out, what would you do?  Is it daunting to lose all of your hair?  Hell yeah.  Is it hard to see the way people stare or hear them whisper because you don't have any eyebrows or eyelashes?  For sure!  And trust me, there comes a time where you block out the negativity and the opinions of others, but it still stings a bit.

It doesn't KILL friendship per say, but it certainly sheds light on REAL friendship.  I have learned so much this past year about real, true friendship.  Those that care are always there...I am thankful to have you all in my life.

I agree that it cannot silence courage...if anything, it amplifies it.  It forces you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep on movin' on.  

What are your thoughts...?

Wondering and Wishing

Last Monday (February 24, 2014), I received the call from my oncologist that my PET Scan is negative...NO CANCER at this time!  WAHOO!  God is Good!  Time for a sigh of relief and to set forth on the rest of this journey so that it can ALL be behind us soon enough!  Thank you everyone!  I couldn't have reached this point without the love, support and prayers from my awesome friends & family!  I can't thank you all enough!  xo

I go next week (Wed 3/12) to see my gyno about my pending hysterectomy.  I should find out then if it will be partial or complete.  I’m hoping for complete – I mean, if I can’t use them, why keep them?  Especially when they have the risk of developing in to cancer (or fueling cancer) in the future.

I went to an ortho doctor today for knee pain that I have been having for a while now.  Turns out I have osteoarthritis in my left knee.  I have a rx for an anti-inflammatory and physical therapy.  HOPING that those help and I won’t need cortisone or gel shots.  He said they would try to help it without surgery first.  HOPE it works and helps!  I go back in about a month to evaluate what’s working, etc...and hopefully have my right ankle and neck looked at (both have been aching A LOT lately...more than needing adjusted).  He also said that if it continues as is I won't have a knee at all by age 40 -- that I would need total knee replacement.  He said there may be some tears in the ligaments/tendons but that they were not going to concern themselves with that at the moment when the more glaring problem was the OA.  I did get online this evening and look up my local chapter of the Arthritis Foundation and sent an email requesting information.  *fingers crossed*

I also went to my ENT doctor and he wants to re-test my allergies.  I told him that I thought things have changed since chemo but that I was still experiencing allergies, sinus pain/pressure and headaches.  He agreed that things have probably changed, so next week I get tested again.  Oh joy! LOL  My oncologist said it was ok to start allergy treatments again.

I have also re-started my OT for my right arm.  I have noticed an increase in pain and swelling and my OT therapist agreed that I have more fluid and a decreased range of motion.  *sigh*  Hope that gets better soon!  I'm tired of being in pain all of the time and not being able to function in a 'normal' fashion.

While I am extremely happy with my PET Scan results, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  Maybe it's just that it's March again and this time last year my world was turned inside out.  Maybe it's just that I'm hyper sensitive to everything now.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  Or maybe, just maybe I'm being realistic...  I am still trying to work out my thoughts and feelings and allow myself to rejoice in the good news, while being mindful of lifestyle choices, medicines, etc. etc.

I still have Herceptin through June...daily meds...OT...and pending surgeries...but, at least my PET Scan was negative!  :)

Wednesday = Puke Day...I mean PET Scan day

Yeah, you read that right...today (Wednesday, 2/19) was my PET Scan day.  First PET Scan since the completion of my chemo and radiation.  Although I am still on Herceptin until June and Tamoxifen and Zoladex for several more years, Dr R mentioned scheduling a PET Scan during my last appointment with him (1/28).  Last Friday (2/14), I went in for my Herceptin treatment and received paperwork with my scheduled PET Scan and MUGA Scan.  Unfortunately, the PET Scan was scheduled for 1:00 PM...same as last time.  Ugh.  One of the things I remember the most about my initial PET Scan in May was that after 16 hours of fasting, I was pretty miserable.  I remember having a headache and being sick to my stomach...but that was it.  I followed my test prep instructions by watching my sugar intake for the 24 hours before, and not eating or drinking anything (besides plain water) after midnight the night before.  I woke up this morning with a killer headache and feeling nauseated.  At that point, I knew I was in for a rough day.  Things got progressively worse as the day wore on.  I threw up twice (before and during the test).  It was mostly water and bile, but the oncology nurse said I was quite pale and clammy.  The first time I threw up was before the test.  I mentioned that I wasn't feeling well, but both the nurse and I contributed that to the fasting.  My sugar levels (which they have to test before the injection) was decent (86).  As I mentioned, I was simply nauseated and had a headache.  I had just been injected with the radioactive material and was reclining with a warm blanket and relaxing for a bit before the test.  Suddenly (and I DO mean SUDDENLY), my jaw was twitching, my mouth was watering and I was wildly groping around for the call button for the nurse.  Before I could push it, I was throwing up water (and bile) and soaking the blanket and all of my clothes.  The poor nurse opened the door to me gagging and yakking...she calmly handed me a sick bag and patted my shoulder as I continued to puke.  Then she gave me some clean wash clothes and a towel and a hospital gown.  Because my clothes were soaked (clear down to my underwear!), I had to clean up and change.  They were not sure if my wet clothes would be radioactive yet and possibly alter my scan.  I complied and cleaned up.  I also had to call 2ie and ask to have clean clothes brought to me.  Thank goodness she was able to bring them to me before going to work.  I returned to my chair and continued to relax until they were ready to scan me.  The tech came in and walked me to the testing room.  I laid down on the table, feeling a little icky, but no warning signs of what was to come.  I went in and out of tube twice, and then the segmented scans started (you move through the tube every 3 - 5 minutes, and it scans an area of your body).  I kept my eyes closed - even though the lights were lowered, they were hurting my eyes.  I hate it when I have a headache.  I was fine until I started to go back through the tube.  Suddenly (and I DO mean SUDDENLY), my jaw was twitching, my mouth was watering and I just knew I was going to throw up.  I said, "Oh no...I'm going to get sick!  HELLO!  HELLO?!  I'm..."  ...and I started to puke again.  I heard the tech say she was coming to help me...I heard her call out for the oncology nurse.  Before they had me out of the tube (just a matter of a minute, maybe), I was soaked AGAIN.  They cleaned me up and changed my gown again.  The tech said that she was able to get most of me scanned before I got sick.  She asked if I thought I could handle about 20 minutes more of scanning.  I said I thought so...after all, it had been about an hour ago that I had first thrown up...I figured I had at least that.  They also had to tape my breasts because the gown was not holding me in a good position.  I hope that the various problems of the day didn't cause any problems with the scan overall.  I felt a little better after I was finished and had a small can of pop and some graham crackers (again, after nearly 16 hours of fasting).  I still don't feel GREAT, but I'm much better than I was earlier today.

Oh, and as an added bonus - I'm radioactive! ;)  I was instructed to stay at least 6 feet away from other people (especially pregnant women) for 6 hours after the test...and not hold any infants or children for 18 hours.  I asked about pets, but there is no definitive research done on that topic...so I am just trying to keep them off of me (easier said than done).

Yesterday (2/18), I saw my cardiologist for my 2 month follow up.  He was pleased with my blood pressure chart, saying that they looked good in the normal range.  He said (several times) that he would like to increase my meds, but that with my blood pressures and heart rates running in the normal range, he wasn't entirely sure that I would tolerate the change in medicines.  He was afraid that the increase would make me dizzy/light headed...so for now, we are not changing the meds.  He was glad to hear that I have a follow up MUGA scheduled in March.  He gave me more info on my last ECHO and MUGA.  He said that the ECHO had shown my EF at 45 - 50% (down from 59% since restarting my Herceptin)...but he wasn't entirely confident in those findings, so he ordered the MUGA.  The MUGA showed my EF at around 51% -- which was within the normal range to continue with Herceptin as is.  My notes from my visit say:  EF confirmed by MUGA to be 51% acceptable, will need to follow with repeat MUGA in future, ECHO (1/2014) EF 45 - 50%, MILDLY DILATED LV, TDS, mild golbal hypokinesis.  Due to have a repeat MUGA in 3/2014, BP logs reviewed, BP stable, some times SBP 95-102 MMHG, WILL NOT INCREASE DOSE OF MEDS, CONTINUE TO FOLLOW, if more palpitations, DOE, or chest pain she will call us.  {what is LV/TDS/golbal hypokinesis??}

On Friday (2/7), I went for my Herceptin treatment as usual.  I waited for over 90 minutes for a nurse to access my port and hook up a saline drip.  The Cancer center was crazy busy, so I didn't mind waiting.  I had just texted my mom saying that I was still waiting for a nurse (my appt was at 10:30, and it was noon) when the nurse (Valerie) came over to access my port and hook me up.  My Herceptin was ready also, so it was all hooked up at the same time.  She programmed the pump, had a nurse (Melissa) double check the pump.  The 2nd nurse commented (as they all do) about the fact that my drip time was 90 minutes, not 30 as is the case for the majority of other H patients.  She laughed when I joked about being abnormal.  I was chatting with the patients and families around me (some older ladies and their daughters) when I looked up at my H bag...which should have still been nearly full.  Imagine my surprise when I saw the bag was EMPTY!  I quickly looked at the clock...just about 30 minutes had gone past.  My pump started sounding the alarm (as it was done with the H and switching to the saline flush).  My nurse was walking past so I caught her attention and pointed out my H drip should have been NINETY minutes, NOT THIRTY!  I asked if it would cause any problems for me (as I'm already experiencing Herceptin induced Cardiomyopathy).  She looked quite panicked.  She went to my Dr's nurse...then my Dr...then came back and said that the Dr said it was fine...that it was more about the AMOUNT of the dose, not the drip time.  So, WHY IN THE HELL do I sit through NINETY minutes each week and NOT THIRTY!?!?!  *sigh*  This past Friday (2/14) was 90 minutes drip time again.  *smdh*

In regards to my PET Scan today, I have been praying for a clean scan.  I have also been praying that IF I DO have ANY cancer in  my body that it is found NOW (sooner rather than later).  Please say a prayer for me.  xo

Appointments, Scans and Emotions

Last week was a total roller coaster of emotions :-\

I saw my Dr (medical oncologist) and had to have ANOTHER test (MUGA scan to follow up the Echo), had some surprising news from him about recurrence factors, cried (in public) despite my best attempts NOT to...and was RADIOACTIVE (seriously! the muga injection left me (slightly) radioactive for at least 2 days)  *sigh*

Perhaps I should start at the beginning...

I went to the Dr (medical oncologist) on Tuesday (1/28) and had an interesting appointment.  It appears that my ejection fractions are going down again.  Since restarting Herceptin in November, my EF went from 59% to about 50%.  I'm still within the 'normal' range that they can continue my Herceptin, so it looks like that will happen, at least until my next echo (approx every 6 weeks).  The MO did tell me that the Cardiologist felt confident in the echo results, but that there was a part of the left ventricle that he wanted a better view of, so they ordered the MUGA scan.  

After discussing the additional test, we started to discuss breast cancer recurrence factors and ways to lower and keep the risk factors lower.  He asked again what my plans were for having children.  We discussed removing my ovaries and what that would mean for lowering recurrence and risk factors.  He told me that as a physician he can't tell me NOT to have children, but that he has my personal best interests in mind (meaning keeping ME healthy) and that it is alright to feel 'selfish' in my decision making.  We had an odd discussion about men and what it might mean for my future marriage if I was unable to have children {please don't judge...it was odd and I couldn't comfortably out myself at the moment...even though, I swear we have had that discussion}.

Looking at the pros and cons of removing my ovaries versus leaving them, it appears that removing them may be the best bet.  Not only will it stop my body from producing estrogen (or at least the majority of the estrogen production), it will also allow my medicines to change.  I will no longer require monthly injections of Zoladex (one less chemical to have in my body) and he can change my daily medication from Tamoxifen to another med (often prescribed to post-menopausal patients; those without their ovaries) with less side effects.  He said that the new daily med would not have the high associated risks that Tamoxifen does (blood clots, increased risk of uterine cancer).  He also said that women who have had breast cancer are already at a higher risk of developing ovarian and uterine cancer.  Removing my ovaries would remove the risk of developing ovarian cancer.  He also pointed out that with my cancer being as aggressive and fast developing as it was, and being Stage 3A with lymph involvement (4) at such a young age, I may not be so lucky next time.  He pointed out that even without ovaries, that I would be able to carry a child in utero, but that even that could have risks as I would require hormone therapy to have a safe pregnancy (which in turn would make it unsafe for me).  I told him that my gyno (at my last annual exam) had said she would remove my ovaries at some point, but not yet; he asked if I would like for him to call her to discuss; I said yes, and he is supposed to call her. 

It looks like it may be better for me to have my ovaries removed (possibly even a complete hysterectomy), but I'm not 'accepting' it well.  I hate knowing that if I do what's in my best interest health-wise, that I won't have biological children.  I realize that I need to do what's best for me...but there are moments when I feel so damn defeated...that Cancer has STOLEN the beauty and possibility of Motherhood...that Cancer has scarred me and changed me...that it just isn't FAIR.  I also realize that it entirely possible for us to adopt, foster-to-adopt, or even for my honey to carry the child...but it SUCKS that I won't have a biological child of my own.  It sucks that it just seems that pregnancy is altogether a near impossibility at this stage, due to associated risk factors.

I then went to the chemo area for blood work;  Dr asked when my last blood labs were and I said either late Sept or early Oct;  he ordered a CBC, CMP and CEA.  Of course, I was upset and my mind was reeling after our discussion of ovaries and risk factors/recurrences, etc.  Try as I might, I cried...in public.  My nurse was awesome and grabbed a tissue for me and asked if I was okay.  My honey was awesome too!  I had a text that told me how special I am, how much I'm loved and that I should do whatever would keep me here the longest with her.  I'm so lucky...truly, I am!

I received my results on Friday (1/31), but no discussion about it.  I compared my CBC and CMP numbers to previous draws and they seemed 'normal'.  The CEA was the first test of its kind that I have had (to my knowledge).  The range is 0 - 40.  My number is 14.6 -- not sure what that means exactly, as I have NOTHING to compare it to at the moment.

The Dr asked if I had had my annual mammogram yet.  I said "No, my first ever was when I was diagnosed last year...I'm only 34, remember."  He told me that he'd have his office schedule one for me (and they did) for March.  He also asked if I had had a follow up PET scan yet.  I shook my head (no) and he asked, "Would you like to have one?"  I nodded emphatically and practically shouted, "YES!"  They have to get a pre-auth before they can schedule.  I plan to check on the status when I go back for Herceptin this week.

My MUGA scan was Wednesday (1/29).  The test itself is fine, albeit LONG because they have to wait for approximately 25-30 minutes after the injection of the radioactive material to take the pictures/scans.  I was there for about 2.5 hours.  Not too bad...but I did have a killer headache that day, so when the tech started moving the bed around to reposition me for different pictures/scans, I thought I would barf on him, but I held it together.  HAHA

Sea of Uncertainty

This past year has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride.  I have so many questions rolling through my brain on a daily basis -- and I am trying NOT to get bogged down in it.  *sigh*  I know that that is much easier said than done.

What if the cancer is still there?

What if the cancer comes back?

What if I can't handle going back to school?  {my stomach has been completely unpredictable since chemo}

What if I can't find a job?

What if I can't handle returning to an office environment?  {I seriously get hives and heart palpitations just thinking about it!}

What's NEXT?

What if...What then...What Next...

And I wonder why I can't sleep at night!  :-\