ever feel like you're stuck in a time loop?

I have doctor appointments EVERY day of the week...sometimes, I have TWO per day (or more)!  I'm so tired of the constant 'doctoring' -- I know it is for my own good and to get and stay healthy, but a girl can get pretty tired and cranky when all she does is sit and wait all day for doctors.  :-\

I went to see Dr R (oncologist) last week (3/25/14) and discussed my concerns regarding my most recent appointment with my gyno**.  He expressed some of the same concerns that I did (i.e., increased risk for uterine cancer, can't carry a child without HRT and I can't have HRT, etc).  He urged me to get a second opinion if I was concerned about the decision and the surgery.  I also asked about my PET scan.  Call me crazy, but I started to wonder if my puking and gown taping was added to the overall report.  I worried that my Dr had no idea that any of that had happened.  He said it was indeed noted in the report (the puking) but that he was confident in the results.  They check for three key areas with former breast cancer patients (lungs, liver and bones) and none of those came back as positive for cancer...so, now I can finally (& fully) rejoice in this good news!  He also told me that the breast pain that I feel is a common complaint among breast cancer patients and survivors.  He didn't have any medical advice to offer on this subject (and he apologized for the lack thereof), but he acknowledged that it is a common complaint.  I was a bit worried that it could mean something else.  The last time I had pain, I had a lump the size of an egg incubating in the milk duct of my right breast (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma).  Thankfully, my scan...my mammogram...and my breast exam do NOT show any signs or symptoms of cancer!  My PET Scan DID show a curvature of my spin...and the Dr pointed it out in the report, as well as during my exam.  I also asked about my CEA (bloodwork drawn 1/28; results rec'd 1/31).  Dr R said that it is typically done after a patient completes chemo and radiation.  It is another tool in monitoring a patient, used in conjunction (of course) with the PET scan.  I asked about the scale going from 0 - 40 and what it meant that mine is 14.6; he said that anywhere from 0 to 40 is considered 'normal' and I shouldn't worry that mine is 14.6.  He also told me that he is proud of me and how I made it through everything and still managed to keep a smile on my face and be pleasant to the staff.   I asked if my hair would start growing any faster (seriously, I feel like it hasn't grown much at all since it 'filled in').  He said that it would not, that it would definitely be different hair growth patterns than before cancer treatments.  He then commented on how full my hair looked overall and asked what I did because he has patients that have bald spots on their heads.  I told him that I kept shaving it until it was no longer patchy (there was a time when it first started to grow back that I still had some awful bald patches).  He was very intrigued by this idea.  My next follow up is July.  {although, I will be speaking to him and his nurse before that -- I am to check in after my surgery}

Speaking of my mammogram, I went on St. Patrick's Day (3/17/14) to have my shamrocks squeezed.  After the images were taken, I waited to see Dr V (the same Dr that diagnosed me).  I walk in to the room and she is looking at the 'wall of monitors' and reviewing my images.  My already nervous stomach dropped when I saw an image of a tumor on the screen.  I must have made a noise at that point, because she turned around just as the nurse who had escorted me in to the room stepped out.  She saw my face and said "oh no!  this is NOT your current scan -- see!?  this is LAST year....this is THIS year...I have them side by side to compare the images".....I felt the relief flood my body.  I asked her about the breast pain and discomfort that I have...she said she didn't know why I would have that, nothing on my scans showed that there was any physical reason for it.  I asked if it could be my body adjusting to scar tissue...she said "perhaps...".

** = We discussed whether or not my upcoming surgery would be full or partial hysterectomy.  I indicated a strong desire for a full hysterectomy and she gave me several reasons not to go that route.  I am NOT confident in the final decision as I feel like she wasn't really listening to me.

I go to see my PCP this week (Wednesday, 4/2/14) for 'pre-surgery' paperwork - I need to be cleared for the surgery.  I also need to talk to her about my concerns and see what she (professionally) recommends that I do.

I have PT (left knee) and OT (right arm) twice this week...as long as my GERD doesn't wreak havoc again this week!  

I also have appointments with the ortho doc (follow up on left knee, consult on right ankle) AND the gastroenterologist (for GERD issues).

Long story short...I had a tooth extracted on March 19th.  The dentist was FANTASTIC!  However, he prescribed clindamycin to ward off any infections and naproxen for any pain.  Thus began the worst GERD symptoms that I have experienced to date.  I had intense heartburn and spasms and burning particularly when I swallowed (even air/saliva).  My only 2 med changes recently were clindamycin and naproxen (had started just a week or so before all of this, as it was prescribed for arthritis in my knee).  I was also (wet) burping up acid AND throwing up stomach acid.  I couldn't eat or drink much without an upset stomach and pain from swallowing.  *ugh*  I hope that the gastro doc can help!  I also hope that the ortho doc has another idea for pain management, besides naproxen.

I also have Herceptin (again) this Friday.  Last Friday, I asked about my MUGA results (done 3/24/14).  Nurse V looked them up and had Dr R review them.  She came back and told me that my ejection fractions were at 48% but that Dr R reviewed the results and was comfortable continuing my Herceptin.  My last MUGA (1/29/14) had shown EF at 51% (if I am remembering correctly).  This one is 48% which is slightly below 'normal' range.  I don't like that my EF keeps going up and down.  And apparently (at least in the recent past), my MO and Cardiologist didn't like it either.  The last time I dipped below 50% they put the Herceptin on hold.  Not entirely sure why we're not going in to a holding pattern this time, but I do plan to find out! :)

I went to see the neurosurgeon on 3/21/14 as a follow up regarding a cystic lesion found in my brain during an initial MRI (at the beginning of my diagnosis/treatment last year).  Dr. B reviewed my latest MRI (done 3/10/14) and said that there does not seem to be any significant changes.  I am to repeat the MRI in approximately 1 year, if still no changes, then there is nothing to worry about.

so many emotions

I set out this afternoon to check off a few items on my to do list...and blogging was one of those things.  I have put off this post for a while now.  Anyone else notice my avoidance of writing and sharing at times?  I see it particularly when I am writing about bad news or somber emotions.  

March 21st...the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  You know what's odd?  The ability of the body to remember, not just the mind but the body.  I definitely had a physical reaction to the date on the calendar.  Looking back, it has been one hell of a whirl wind of a year.  NOTHING is the same.  My body is different (some good ways, some bad ways).  My mind is definitely different (hold all wise cracks, please *lol*).  My soul is different.  Cancer has touched me, my family and my close friends in ways that most will never know.  I can only pray that other folks never go through this...this hell...truly, this hell on Earth.  

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited....

It cannot cripple love. 

It cannot shatter hope. 

It cannot corrode faith. 

It cannot eat away peace. 

It cannot destroy confidence. 

It cannot kill friendship. 

It cannot shut out memories. 

It cannot silence courage. 

It cannot reduce eternal life. 

It cannot quench the Spirit. 

-- Author Unknown

I see this poem on nearly every visit to the local Cancer treatment center.  I can't tell you how many times I have read it.  Each time, I think "I don't know that I agree with that completely."  Let's take it point by point, shall we?

No, it cannot cripple love.  I am truly grateful for the wonderful partner that I have to journey through life.  Cancer did not, and will not, cripple our love for each other.  

Yes, it CAN shatter hope.  It certainly shattered MY hopes and dreams of a future.  It kicked me in the stomach and pulled the carpet out from underneath me.  My "normal" will never be the same.  My dreams for the future have changed (drastically, I might add).  I am grieving for the life that we could have had, if Cancer would not have touched our lives.

Yes, I think it CAN corrode faith.  I'd be lying if I said that I never questioned God and His plan for me when I was diagnosed.  Especially as I found out more about how it would affect fertility and plans for a family...I most certainly did (& continue to) question my faith.  It is rather tricky though.  I do believe that God has a plan for us, I just feel that my diagnosis and the trials and tribulations that have gone along with it have caused me to reflect and question that plan.  I still have faith, it is just shaken...and understandably so.

Yes, it most certainly CAN eat away peace.  I struggle on a daily basis with inner peace.  Like I said, my "normal" will never be the same.  Everything has changed, and not because I wanted it to, and not due to any consequence of poor habits or actions...but because of Cancer.  I try NOT to let it destroy my peace...but, I'm human...and it DOES get the best of  me some days.  

Okay, so maybe it can't destroy confidence, but it can rock it to the core.  Your body image changes (losing all of your hair will do that to a girl), your physical health changes...you find your confidence in new ways.  For instance, if you found your confidence in your winning smile and then all of your teeth fell out, what would you do?  Is it daunting to lose all of your hair?  Hell yeah.  Is it hard to see the way people stare or hear them whisper because you don't have any eyebrows or eyelashes?  For sure!  And trust me, there comes a time where you block out the negativity and the opinions of others, but it still stings a bit.

It doesn't KILL friendship per say, but it certainly sheds light on REAL friendship.  I have learned so much this past year about real, true friendship.  Those that care are always there...I am thankful to have you all in my life.

I agree that it cannot silence courage...if anything, it amplifies it.  It forces you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep on movin' on.  

What are your thoughts...?

Wondering and Wishing

Last Monday (February 24, 2014), I received the call from my oncologist that my PET Scan is negative...NO CANCER at this time!  WAHOO!  God is Good!  Time for a sigh of relief and to set forth on the rest of this journey so that it can ALL be behind us soon enough!  Thank you everyone!  I couldn't have reached this point without the love, support and prayers from my awesome friends & family!  I can't thank you all enough!  xo

I go next week (Wed 3/12) to see my gyno about my pending hysterectomy.  I should find out then if it will be partial or complete.  I’m hoping for complete – I mean, if I can’t use them, why keep them?  Especially when they have the risk of developing in to cancer (or fueling cancer) in the future.

I went to an ortho doctor today for knee pain that I have been having for a while now.  Turns out I have osteoarthritis in my left knee.  I have a rx for an anti-inflammatory and physical therapy.  HOPING that those help and I won’t need cortisone or gel shots.  He said they would try to help it without surgery first.  HOPE it works and helps!  I go back in about a month to evaluate what’s working, etc...and hopefully have my right ankle and neck looked at (both have been aching A LOT lately...more than needing adjusted).  He also said that if it continues as is I won't have a knee at all by age 40 -- that I would need total knee replacement.  He said there may be some tears in the ligaments/tendons but that they were not going to concern themselves with that at the moment when the more glaring problem was the OA.  I did get online this evening and look up my local chapter of the Arthritis Foundation and sent an email requesting information.  *fingers crossed*

I also went to my ENT doctor and he wants to re-test my allergies.  I told him that I thought things have changed since chemo but that I was still experiencing allergies, sinus pain/pressure and headaches.  He agreed that things have probably changed, so next week I get tested again.  Oh joy! LOL  My oncologist said it was ok to start allergy treatments again.

I have also re-started my OT for my right arm.  I have noticed an increase in pain and swelling and my OT therapist agreed that I have more fluid and a decreased range of motion.  *sigh*  Hope that gets better soon!  I'm tired of being in pain all of the time and not being able to function in a 'normal' fashion.

While I am extremely happy with my PET Scan results, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  Maybe it's just that it's March again and this time last year my world was turned inside out.  Maybe it's just that I'm hyper sensitive to everything now.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  Or maybe, just maybe I'm being realistic...  I am still trying to work out my thoughts and feelings and allow myself to rejoice in the good news, while being mindful of lifestyle choices, medicines, etc. etc.

I still have Herceptin through June...daily meds...OT...and pending surgeries...but, at least my PET Scan was negative!  :)