gone in a flash

I can't believe it is already December 20th!  *whew*  I knew I hadn't written for a while, but didn't realize quite how long it had been (nearly a whole month!).  

To update -- after several "breaks" in treatment due to varying stages of skin reaction, I was finally released to return to radiation treatment (week of December 2nd).  I had a grade 3 skin reaction and man was that painful!  My skin was black in some spots, it had separated and opened up, and I was constantly in pain.  I'm still peeling and 'changing colors' but at least it's not painful like it was!  

I finished my "booster" treatment yesterday -- essentially my breast was taped up and the radiation was targeted specifically at my tumor bed and a specified diameter around it.  It allowed me to return to an active treatment schedule but still give most of my sore spots time to heal.  I go back to 'regular' treatments today...I truly hope that my skin cooperates so that I can finish my treatments.  I am currently slated to finish the first week of January *fingers crossed*.

I also have Herceptin treatment again this week (today).  I will have Zoladex shot #2 next week....and a repeat echocardiogram (on Monday, 12/30) to check my heart function since having resumed Herceptin treatments.  I am hopeful that the echo shows that I am still functioning in normal range so that I can put all of these treatments behind me.  I just truly hope that if there IS anything to be concerned about that it shows up sooner than later.  

The menopausal symptoms have began to rear their ugly head *ugh*  hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased anxiety and irritability.  Oh, the joys of chemically induced change of life!  *sigh*  I sweat one minute, freeze the next, get mad at myself and then cry about it.  NOT pretty :-\

I am still wrestling with the idea that I may never have (biological) children of my own.  I went to my gyno this week and she said that many women are not able to get pregnant after chemo and the drug treatment course afterwards.  She said that our eggs are not always viable after those treatments.  She also told me that she doesn't see the need to take my ovaries right now, but that eventually we should discuss it.  Not sure why the wait...but there are drugs out there to stop my body from producing estrogen and to block estrogen in my body...so, I will follow the course of action that my medical oncologist has suggested (for now, at least).  

I cry every time I watch something with the birth of a child, or a sweet pregnancy announcement.  We have been watching past seasons of How I Met Your Mother and in season 7 (2011), we find out that Robin Scherbatsky (Cobie Smulders) can't have children.  Until then we know that she doesn't want children, but then she thinks she may be pregnant and learns that she actually cannot have children.  I cried through every episode of season 7 that deals with Robin's infertility, her coping with her infertility, and her friends learning about it and reacting to it.  There is a quote from an episode that seems to effectively sum up my (many) emotions on facing your own (possible) infertility:

Of course it’s one thing not to want something. 

It’s another to be told you can’t have it. 

I guess it’s just nice knowing that you could someday do it

if you changed your mind. 

But now, all of a sudden that door is closed.

We have also been watching past seasons of The L Word.  Any fan of the show knows that in Season 3 Erin Daniels' character, Dana Fairbanks, finds a lump in her breast.  She goes to the doctor and is soon diagnosed with breast cancer.  She suffers through treatments and dies later in the season.  It was heart wrenching to watch this season in 2006, to see a character that we came to love battle breast cancer only to be defeated by it.  It was even harder to watch it now, going through this journey.  I cried through every episode of season 3.  The series creator Ilene Chaiken did an awesome job with this season.  Perhaps it was my new found perspective on it all, but it gave me chills from the time that "Dana" finds her lump until she takes her last breath...I was emotionally invested.  I honestly didn't think I was strong enough to watch this season yet.  As I cried through each of the episodes, I realized that I was not alone.  2ie was watching the season too and crying right along side of me.  She was also empathizing with the characters and connecting with the story line in a whole new way.  If you haven't seen the show, I recommend it.  At very least, season 3.   

Final thought of the day -- I am dealing with trying to navigate through all of the accumulating medical bills.  I am particularly frustrated over one at the moment.  I seriously have 5 different bills for the same date of service and same surgeon.  Each one is billed from a different entity for a different action/portion of the procedure.  Each one is subject to the individual billing office's terms of service.  Ironically, 4 of the 5 acknowledge and accept the hospital's charity care program determination as an accurate determination of hardship; but 1 does not.  This same 1 will not re-submit any items, as the woman indicated that the items were originally denied due to the wrong coverage.  It turns out that they attempted to bill a family planning coverage for surgery when all that the family planning coverage (through the state) will cover is a pelvic exam, birth control and a pap smear - it doesn't even cover preventative care (mammograms) or any type of breast cancer related diagnostics or treatments.  How do the politicians endorse these programs?!  Seriously!  *smdh*  I have several phone calls in to various folks hoping that SOMEONE can help me navigate this whole mess -- including the financial department at the hospital and the patient advocate at the cancer center.  *fingers crossed*  

...Happy Friday...