Time keeps on slippin'...into the future...

I meant to post this yesterday, but I had not fully processed my feelings (and still haven't fully, but somewhat).

Two years ago on March 21, I heard one of the most terrifying, horrifying and heartbreaking phrases from a Doctor's mouth.  "You have Cancer."

My mind raced, my heart sank and I did my best to keep my composure while the doctor offered information and what was to be expected moving forward.  It felt like I was outside of my body, watching it all unfold from an outsider's perspective.  My partner (at the time) had begrudgingly joined me at this appointment...after much begging and pleading...as I had a gut feeling that I wasn't going to receive good news regarding my mammogram and ultrasound just days earlier.  My partner offered very little solice...at the time, I chalked it up to us both being numb.  I managed to keep (most) of my composure as I called my parents and my grandparents with this dreaded news.  My partner left for work, and I was left home alone, miles away from family, to come to grips with reality.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to break shit, I wanted to run away from this reality, I wanted to just mentally shut down and check out, I wanted to run down the street like my hair was on fire, screaming at the top of my lungs.  My partner never did have a reaction to this news, not in my presence at least, though I heard later about the emotional outpouring to coworkers.

I was deeply emotional...running the gamut of worried, sad, confused, upset, angry, pissed off, terrified...the emotional roller coaster lasted for some time, but was perhaps most intense when I first faced the daunting news of my diagnosis.  It was then that I faced my mortality and my darkest fears. 

Of course, my mind reeled with thoughts of "what if...?"
What if....?
* I'm not strong enough to make it through this
* I become unable to have children from the treatments and drugs
* I go through this and it comes back
* I end up hospitalized with complications
* I die from this

I also faced the thought of what could have happened had I not found the lump when I did.  I had already formed a large, aggressive and invasive cancerous tumor.  It hadn't been long since my last gyno appointment and neither my Dr nor myself had felt it at that point.  If it had gone undetected, could it have spread through my body and killed me?

I didn't have health insurance and the red tape in health care and assistance for those that truly NEED it is a freaking nightmare.  I'm STILL dealing with it all...ugh.

A LOT has happened in the past two years...some good, some bad, some life shattering, some funny beyond words. 

I have LOST my hair (I had a love hate relationship with it my entire life - which many people with naturally curly hair can relate to...but I truly miss it...even have hair envy at times...), GAINED perspective, LOST my mind (no, seriously), GAINED incredible patience, LOST my partner (some people cannot see beyond themselves), GAINED weight (damn drug side effects), LOST weight (slow and torturous), GAINED a few more scars, LOST some sensation in parts of my body, GAINED daily medicine regimens, LOST some mobility in some joints and parts of my body, GAINED some aches and pains, LOST some pieces of myself, GAINED many menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, etc), LOST a few ("so called") friends and GAINED a whole new appreciation of my TRUE friends and the love of family.

I have also moved from Ohio to Pennsylvania.  While it was a move I had been hoping to make at some point in the future, the circumstances behind it (& even currently) were/are quite crap-tastic and complicated. 

I know by looking at the calendar (and my ever multiplying gray hairs) that two years have since passed...but I'll be damned if I don't feel as if my life is still on a perpetual  pause.  One minute I'm a graduate student studying for midterms and scheduling group study sessions...the next I'm a cancer patient studying my diagnosis and scheduling surgeries and treatment plans.  *sigh*

I realize that terrible things happen to people all over the world every day...I also realize that I can't live the rest of my life just waiting for cancer to reoccur...but, how do you push past that fear? 

{note: one of my dear friends was diagnosed shortly after me, with a different type of cancer, and we commiserated and supported each other through our journeys...she recently received news that her cancer returned...absolutely terrifying and crushing news...she appears incredibly optimistic and zen about it.  I pray for her daily.  This news made me stop and face my own fear of reoccurrence yet again.}

I'm currently overdue for both my pet scan (as of 2/2015) and my mammogram (as of 3/17/15).  I know that both of those tests, combined with some other blood panels and Dr visits (oncologist/neuro followup/cardiologist followup/lymph followup) would help to shed light on various recent physical occurrences...however, I have not yet established myself with local doctors.  Trust me, it is not for lack of trying!  I have had one hell of a time getting any information requested from my previous county of residence and then relaying it to my new one AND getting to speak with a live person in a timely manner is damn near impossible.  I was told that my paperwork (mailed in February) was never received and that I had to start over again!  Seeing as this paperwork is highly sensitive and personal information I am extremely concerned with its whereabouts...I have called the man that I had previously been communicating with regarding my application ever day for over a week...each time I reach voicemail (despite choosing a different menu option) and each time I leave a message and wait...and each time another day passes without communication and any type of response.  Oh, the irony that one of the most constant and consistent forces in my life has been and continues to be red tape/bureaucratic bullshit, fighting for healthcare coverage and prescription coverage. 

Why, oh why, can't THAT change in my favor?!

A LONG time comin'...

Healthy & Lean in 2015 -- that's my "fitspiration" on my fitness journey ;)

I had the brilliant idea to do video logs (I've only done 3 since we started training in January - don't judge! lol) -- I have posted links for those below.  I am hopeful to help someone else on their own journey, or to simply shed light on my own journey.  

Video 1 filmed 01/05/2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAeqMeN5tPg

Video 2 filmed 01/07/2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZgwjYUJm6I

Video 3 filmed 01/26/2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCG07zxtUB8

So far, I have lost over 10 pounds and a little over 2% body fat!  WOOHOO!  Slow and steady baby.  I also aggravated the lymph-edema in my right arm (resulting in increased swelling, numbness/tingling in fingers, and decreased mobility in my hand).  Perhaps I should stick with movement and R.O.M. exercises over weight-bearing exercises.  ;)

I have ALSO uploaded an older video of me singing "Stay" by Sugarland at karaoke -- it was filmed in May 2012 with a male friend singing harmony.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGKqsGK_cqo

I am working on more videos to share!

Hope all is well with all of you!

Happy First Day of Spring!  ♥

...it certainly is...

I'm sure you've all heard the saying, "Life is a Journey, Not a Destination."  It certainly is a journey.  A chaotic, haphazard, crappy (at times), sappy, happy-go-lucky, lovely journey.  I'm grateful to have you all (my friends and family) on this journey.  You all make it worthwhile.  

♥ xo ♥

Long overdue....

I really and truly have been putting this off for some time now.  *deep breath*  As some of you already know, my partner (2ie) left me in May.  There are many unresolved feelings and issues (at least on my part).  I keep trying to rationalize the situation,  much to my detriment.  I am looking for answers and reasons behind 2ie just packing up and leaving.  I'm baffled by this all...we had made it through the darkest times together and yet, here we were on the other side of it all....so close to the "finish line" and 2ie gave up and just walked away.  Very little emotion, hardly any talking, absolutely NO willingness to discuss or work out any issues we may have had...just an "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you anymore".  A punch to the gut.  Looking back on our relationship, there were issues, but when you're in love with someone, you often wear blinders.  Things I accepted as "normal" behavior, turns out not so much.  I was absolutely devastated when the bomb was finally dropped.  I knew SOMETHING was coming...after all, just the week before I had received a phone call from 2ie's supposed bff...she was incredibly ignorant and unkind in what she said to me...and she outright LIED to me (none of this shocked me...after all, I'd been wary of her for several years, especially recently).  I was very upset by the phone call and sobbing pretty hard...I needed to talk to 2ie, so I texted...no answer...called...no answer...called work phone...no answer...finally, I was able to get 2ie on the line.  After I got cut off and chewed out, I was informed that there was no need for me to rehash any of the phone call as the truth was already known.  Since when is it acceptable for your partner to take a friend's side over their partner?  And not want to hear both sides?  And not want to console the sobbing partner on the phone?  A shower, several hours and multiple xanax later, I was still heavily sobbing and feeling heartbroken.  I called a nearby friend who was so worried about me and my state of mind that she drove over to sit with me.  It only got worse when 2ie got home.  Standing outside, on the phone with her bff...telling her and her wife to come over to work this all out.  I have asked several times what would have happened if that would have been the case...would they have both sat there and lied to our faces?  Lord knows the bff already did that...numerous times...  Anyway, after a week of barely speaking to me or texting me, 2ie finally had the guts to face me and tell me that we were through.  There was supposedly nothing I could say or do to change it.  I cried, I yelled, I asked questions... 2ie left...for a bite to eat (even though we lived right across the street from numerous fast food options, 2ie drove to a bar that her bff's friends own).  The next few weeks were freaking torture.  2ie was mean, selfish and uncaring.  Would leave to unpack at the other house (which I helped get ready to move in to...which the bff trashed) and not come back until 3 or 5AM.  I knew that the bff was more than that...her own wife suspicious because she started hiding her phone (which started the fight and phone call), but 2ie became even more paranoid about me viewing any call or text histories...plus sneaking to call or text when she thought I was sleeping, or guarding her phone with her life.  It makes sick just to think about it.  Of course I will never know the truth because they still lie to me on a regular basis, even when I ask for the truth for closure.  I know we all love our gal pals and bffs, but a minimum of 4 phone calls a day to each other AND thousands of texts between just the two of them...hmmm.  But I was told that I was just an overly jealous person...making shit up in my head.  Really bitches?!  I have the call/text logs in black and white.

So, despite my best efforts, I feel lower than low over the fact that the love of my life picked a fucked up situation over what we had together.  It's easier said than done (I struggle with it on a daily basis), but it is HER loss, not MINE.  It speaks more to HER character than MINE (even though I am apparently a bad person for posting any feelings on Facebook... Come on now!  I didn't name names...so if you read it and automatically think it pertains to you, shame on you for doing anything you think warrants that reaction and if your friends or family read a post and automatically think of you, then shame on them for not thinking more of you than that).  I mean, after all she left me for her supposed bff (a mutual friend) who had also previously rented her house, trashed it, owed her several thousand dollars, has been in jail for numerous charges, was married (legally) to another woman and cheated, has kids and grandkids that she rarely sees because she is too far stuck up each new gf's ass to be bothered.  You know how PigPen had a dust cloud swirling around him in the Peanuts gang?  That's this chick and drama.  She doesn't clean or care about personal appearance and living conditions.  We had been cleaning and repairing the house (thousands of dollars in repairs and that was just to make it liveable again) and I swear those bitches didn't clean a thing in the entire 7 years they lived there.  White ceiling fan blades were black and had to be soaked in goo be gone and scrubbed with a magic eraser (1 per fan blade).  It was BEYOND disgusting.  The entire time she lived there and knew us, she supposedly had feelings for 2ie.  But she still lived with and married two other women...and never divulged this to them.  I have asked 2ie NUMEROUS times and it is just ignored -- but, seriously, can you explain how this bitch did ALL of this destruction and didn't bend over backwards to be GOOD to her?  I mean, she took advantage of her!  And yet, she left me for her.  We weren't broke, but we weren't living extravagantly either - and cancer treatments were a bitch to manage and get covered - but we were careful.  This bitch NEVER has cash, her bills are always overdue (even those that were still in 2ie's name - utilities at the house), she was always borrowing cash to pay bills, buy food or put gas in her car (or begging for rides to places)....but ALWAYS had weed or her wife would have a new tattoo or they would go to dinner and a show in Pittsburgh.  I mean, seriously!?!?!?!??!  It makes me feel sick that 2ie would choose the worst possible situation to live in over what we had together -- but it speaks more about her than me. 

After all, this is her thing...she cheats (emotionally and/or physically) and leaves her relationship whenever she is bored or getting more excitement and attention elsewhere. 

Upon further reflection, she and her brother are more similar than I ever imagined.  That alone makes me sick and should qualify her for a psych eval....just sayin'...

She swears she still cares about me and wants to be friends, but I rarely hear from her unless she needs something... And then her attitude is pretty shitty and defensive. 

What's worse is that I'm sure that friends and family are not getting the full story.  I will be the bad guy...not the new girlfriend.  No one will ever know the truth about her and the level of craziness and the money owed and property ruined.  *sigh*

I can only hope that karma is swift and is as ruthless as they were in their recent actions.

ever feel like you're stuck in a time loop?

I have doctor appointments EVERY day of the week...sometimes, I have TWO per day (or more)!  I'm so tired of the constant 'doctoring' -- I know it is for my own good and to get and stay healthy, but a girl can get pretty tired and cranky when all she does is sit and wait all day for doctors.  :-\

I went to see Dr R (oncologist) last week (3/25/14) and discussed my concerns regarding my most recent appointment with my gyno**.  He expressed some of the same concerns that I did (i.e., increased risk for uterine cancer, can't carry a child without HRT and I can't have HRT, etc).  He urged me to get a second opinion if I was concerned about the decision and the surgery.  I also asked about my PET scan.  Call me crazy, but I started to wonder if my puking and gown taping was added to the overall report.  I worried that my Dr had no idea that any of that had happened.  He said it was indeed noted in the report (the puking) but that he was confident in the results.  They check for three key areas with former breast cancer patients (lungs, liver and bones) and none of those came back as positive for cancer...so, now I can finally (& fully) rejoice in this good news!  He also told me that the breast pain that I feel is a common complaint among breast cancer patients and survivors.  He didn't have any medical advice to offer on this subject (and he apologized for the lack thereof), but he acknowledged that it is a common complaint.  I was a bit worried that it could mean something else.  The last time I had pain, I had a lump the size of an egg incubating in the milk duct of my right breast (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma).  Thankfully, my scan...my mammogram...and my breast exam do NOT show any signs or symptoms of cancer!  My PET Scan DID show a curvature of my spin...and the Dr pointed it out in the report, as well as during my exam.  I also asked about my CEA (bloodwork drawn 1/28; results rec'd 1/31).  Dr R said that it is typically done after a patient completes chemo and radiation.  It is another tool in monitoring a patient, used in conjunction (of course) with the PET scan.  I asked about the scale going from 0 - 40 and what it meant that mine is 14.6; he said that anywhere from 0 to 40 is considered 'normal' and I shouldn't worry that mine is 14.6.  He also told me that he is proud of me and how I made it through everything and still managed to keep a smile on my face and be pleasant to the staff.   I asked if my hair would start growing any faster (seriously, I feel like it hasn't grown much at all since it 'filled in').  He said that it would not, that it would definitely be different hair growth patterns than before cancer treatments.  He then commented on how full my hair looked overall and asked what I did because he has patients that have bald spots on their heads.  I told him that I kept shaving it until it was no longer patchy (there was a time when it first started to grow back that I still had some awful bald patches).  He was very intrigued by this idea.  My next follow up is July.  {although, I will be speaking to him and his nurse before that -- I am to check in after my surgery}

Speaking of my mammogram, I went on St. Patrick's Day (3/17/14) to have my shamrocks squeezed.  After the images were taken, I waited to see Dr V (the same Dr that diagnosed me).  I walk in to the room and she is looking at the 'wall of monitors' and reviewing my images.  My already nervous stomach dropped when I saw an image of a tumor on the screen.  I must have made a noise at that point, because she turned around just as the nurse who had escorted me in to the room stepped out.  She saw my face and said "oh no!  this is NOT your current scan -- see!?  this is LAST year....this is THIS year...I have them side by side to compare the images".....I felt the relief flood my body.  I asked her about the breast pain and discomfort that I have...she said she didn't know why I would have that, nothing on my scans showed that there was any physical reason for it.  I asked if it could be my body adjusting to scar tissue...she said "perhaps...".

** = We discussed whether or not my upcoming surgery would be full or partial hysterectomy.  I indicated a strong desire for a full hysterectomy and she gave me several reasons not to go that route.  I am NOT confident in the final decision as I feel like she wasn't really listening to me.

I go to see my PCP this week (Wednesday, 4/2/14) for 'pre-surgery' paperwork - I need to be cleared for the surgery.  I also need to talk to her about my concerns and see what she (professionally) recommends that I do.

I have PT (left knee) and OT (right arm) twice this week...as long as my GERD doesn't wreak havoc again this week!  

I also have appointments with the ortho doc (follow up on left knee, consult on right ankle) AND the gastroenterologist (for GERD issues).

Long story short...I had a tooth extracted on March 19th.  The dentist was FANTASTIC!  However, he prescribed clindamycin to ward off any infections and naproxen for any pain.  Thus began the worst GERD symptoms that I have experienced to date.  I had intense heartburn and spasms and burning particularly when I swallowed (even air/saliva).  My only 2 med changes recently were clindamycin and naproxen (had started just a week or so before all of this, as it was prescribed for arthritis in my knee).  I was also (wet) burping up acid AND throwing up stomach acid.  I couldn't eat or drink much without an upset stomach and pain from swallowing.  *ugh*  I hope that the gastro doc can help!  I also hope that the ortho doc has another idea for pain management, besides naproxen.

I also have Herceptin (again) this Friday.  Last Friday, I asked about my MUGA results (done 3/24/14).  Nurse V looked them up and had Dr R review them.  She came back and told me that my ejection fractions were at 48% but that Dr R reviewed the results and was comfortable continuing my Herceptin.  My last MUGA (1/29/14) had shown EF at 51% (if I am remembering correctly).  This one is 48% which is slightly below 'normal' range.  I don't like that my EF keeps going up and down.  And apparently (at least in the recent past), my MO and Cardiologist didn't like it either.  The last time I dipped below 50% they put the Herceptin on hold.  Not entirely sure why we're not going in to a holding pattern this time, but I do plan to find out! :)

I went to see the neurosurgeon on 3/21/14 as a follow up regarding a cystic lesion found in my brain during an initial MRI (at the beginning of my diagnosis/treatment last year).  Dr. B reviewed my latest MRI (done 3/10/14) and said that there does not seem to be any significant changes.  I am to repeat the MRI in approximately 1 year, if still no changes, then there is nothing to worry about.

so many emotions

I set out this afternoon to check off a few items on my to do list...and blogging was one of those things.  I have put off this post for a while now.  Anyone else notice my avoidance of writing and sharing at times?  I see it particularly when I am writing about bad news or somber emotions.  

March 21st...the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  You know what's odd?  The ability of the body to remember, not just the mind but the body.  I definitely had a physical reaction to the date on the calendar.  Looking back, it has been one hell of a whirl wind of a year.  NOTHING is the same.  My body is different (some good ways, some bad ways).  My mind is definitely different (hold all wise cracks, please *lol*).  My soul is different.  Cancer has touched me, my family and my close friends in ways that most will never know.  I can only pray that other folks never go through this...this hell...truly, this hell on Earth.  

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited....

It cannot cripple love. 

It cannot shatter hope. 

It cannot corrode faith. 

It cannot eat away peace. 

It cannot destroy confidence. 

It cannot kill friendship. 

It cannot shut out memories. 

It cannot silence courage. 

It cannot reduce eternal life. 

It cannot quench the Spirit. 

-- Author Unknown

I see this poem on nearly every visit to the local Cancer treatment center.  I can't tell you how many times I have read it.  Each time, I think "I don't know that I agree with that completely."  Let's take it point by point, shall we?

No, it cannot cripple love.  I am truly grateful for the wonderful partner that I have to journey through life.  Cancer did not, and will not, cripple our love for each other.  

Yes, it CAN shatter hope.  It certainly shattered MY hopes and dreams of a future.  It kicked me in the stomach and pulled the carpet out from underneath me.  My "normal" will never be the same.  My dreams for the future have changed (drastically, I might add).  I am grieving for the life that we could have had, if Cancer would not have touched our lives.

Yes, I think it CAN corrode faith.  I'd be lying if I said that I never questioned God and His plan for me when I was diagnosed.  Especially as I found out more about how it would affect fertility and plans for a family...I most certainly did (& continue to) question my faith.  It is rather tricky though.  I do believe that God has a plan for us, I just feel that my diagnosis and the trials and tribulations that have gone along with it have caused me to reflect and question that plan.  I still have faith, it is just shaken...and understandably so.

Yes, it most certainly CAN eat away peace.  I struggle on a daily basis with inner peace.  Like I said, my "normal" will never be the same.  Everything has changed, and not because I wanted it to, and not due to any consequence of poor habits or actions...but because of Cancer.  I try NOT to let it destroy my peace...but, I'm human...and it DOES get the best of  me some days.  

Okay, so maybe it can't destroy confidence, but it can rock it to the core.  Your body image changes (losing all of your hair will do that to a girl), your physical health changes...you find your confidence in new ways.  For instance, if you found your confidence in your winning smile and then all of your teeth fell out, what would you do?  Is it daunting to lose all of your hair?  Hell yeah.  Is it hard to see the way people stare or hear them whisper because you don't have any eyebrows or eyelashes?  For sure!  And trust me, there comes a time where you block out the negativity and the opinions of others, but it still stings a bit.

It doesn't KILL friendship per say, but it certainly sheds light on REAL friendship.  I have learned so much this past year about real, true friendship.  Those that care are always there...I am thankful to have you all in my life.

I agree that it cannot silence courage...if anything, it amplifies it.  It forces you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep on movin' on.  

What are your thoughts...?

Wondering and Wishing

Last Monday (February 24, 2014), I received the call from my oncologist that my PET Scan is negative...NO CANCER at this time!  WAHOO!  God is Good!  Time for a sigh of relief and to set forth on the rest of this journey so that it can ALL be behind us soon enough!  Thank you everyone!  I couldn't have reached this point without the love, support and prayers from my awesome friends & family!  I can't thank you all enough!  xo

I go next week (Wed 3/12) to see my gyno about my pending hysterectomy.  I should find out then if it will be partial or complete.  I’m hoping for complete – I mean, if I can’t use them, why keep them?  Especially when they have the risk of developing in to cancer (or fueling cancer) in the future.

I went to an ortho doctor today for knee pain that I have been having for a while now.  Turns out I have osteoarthritis in my left knee.  I have a rx for an anti-inflammatory and physical therapy.  HOPING that those help and I won’t need cortisone or gel shots.  He said they would try to help it without surgery first.  HOPE it works and helps!  I go back in about a month to evaluate what’s working, etc...and hopefully have my right ankle and neck looked at (both have been aching A LOT lately...more than needing adjusted).  He also said that if it continues as is I won't have a knee at all by age 40 -- that I would need total knee replacement.  He said there may be some tears in the ligaments/tendons but that they were not going to concern themselves with that at the moment when the more glaring problem was the OA.  I did get online this evening and look up my local chapter of the Arthritis Foundation and sent an email requesting information.  *fingers crossed*

I also went to my ENT doctor and he wants to re-test my allergies.  I told him that I thought things have changed since chemo but that I was still experiencing allergies, sinus pain/pressure and headaches.  He agreed that things have probably changed, so next week I get tested again.  Oh joy! LOL  My oncologist said it was ok to start allergy treatments again.

I have also re-started my OT for my right arm.  I have noticed an increase in pain and swelling and my OT therapist agreed that I have more fluid and a decreased range of motion.  *sigh*  Hope that gets better soon!  I'm tired of being in pain all of the time and not being able to function in a 'normal' fashion.

While I am extremely happy with my PET Scan results, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  Maybe it's just that it's March again and this time last year my world was turned inside out.  Maybe it's just that I'm hyper sensitive to everything now.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  Or maybe, just maybe I'm being realistic...  I am still trying to work out my thoughts and feelings and allow myself to rejoice in the good news, while being mindful of lifestyle choices, medicines, etc. etc.

I still have Herceptin through June...daily meds...OT...and pending surgeries...but, at least my PET Scan was negative!  :)