so many emotions

I set out this afternoon to check off a few items on my to do list...and blogging was one of those things.  I have put off this post for a while now.  Anyone else notice my avoidance of writing and sharing at times?  I see it particularly when I am writing about bad news or somber emotions.  

March 21st...the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  You know what's odd?  The ability of the body to remember, not just the mind but the body.  I definitely had a physical reaction to the date on the calendar.  Looking back, it has been one hell of a whirl wind of a year.  NOTHING is the same.  My body is different (some good ways, some bad ways).  My mind is definitely different (hold all wise cracks, please *lol*).  My soul is different.  Cancer has touched me, my family and my close friends in ways that most will never know.  I can only pray that other folks never go through this...this hell...truly, this hell on Earth.  

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited....

It cannot cripple love. 

It cannot shatter hope. 

It cannot corrode faith. 

It cannot eat away peace. 

It cannot destroy confidence. 

It cannot kill friendship. 

It cannot shut out memories. 

It cannot silence courage. 

It cannot reduce eternal life. 

It cannot quench the Spirit. 

-- Author Unknown

I see this poem on nearly every visit to the local Cancer treatment center.  I can't tell you how many times I have read it.  Each time, I think "I don't know that I agree with that completely."  Let's take it point by point, shall we?

No, it cannot cripple love.  I am truly grateful for the wonderful partner that I have to journey through life.  Cancer did not, and will not, cripple our love for each other.  

Yes, it CAN shatter hope.  It certainly shattered MY hopes and dreams of a future.  It kicked me in the stomach and pulled the carpet out from underneath me.  My "normal" will never be the same.  My dreams for the future have changed (drastically, I might add).  I am grieving for the life that we could have had, if Cancer would not have touched our lives.

Yes, I think it CAN corrode faith.  I'd be lying if I said that I never questioned God and His plan for me when I was diagnosed.  Especially as I found out more about how it would affect fertility and plans for a family...I most certainly did (& continue to) question my faith.  It is rather tricky though.  I do believe that God has a plan for us, I just feel that my diagnosis and the trials and tribulations that have gone along with it have caused me to reflect and question that plan.  I still have faith, it is just shaken...and understandably so.

Yes, it most certainly CAN eat away peace.  I struggle on a daily basis with inner peace.  Like I said, my "normal" will never be the same.  Everything has changed, and not because I wanted it to, and not due to any consequence of poor habits or actions...but because of Cancer.  I try NOT to let it destroy my peace...but, I'm human...and it DOES get the best of  me some days.  

Okay, so maybe it can't destroy confidence, but it can rock it to the core.  Your body image changes (losing all of your hair will do that to a girl), your physical health changes...you find your confidence in new ways.  For instance, if you found your confidence in your winning smile and then all of your teeth fell out, what would you do?  Is it daunting to lose all of your hair?  Hell yeah.  Is it hard to see the way people stare or hear them whisper because you don't have any eyebrows or eyelashes?  For sure!  And trust me, there comes a time where you block out the negativity and the opinions of others, but it still stings a bit.

It doesn't KILL friendship per say, but it certainly sheds light on REAL friendship.  I have learned so much this past year about real, true friendship.  Those that care are always there...I am thankful to have you all in my life.

I agree that it cannot silence courage...if anything, it amplifies it.  It forces you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep on movin' on.  

What are your thoughts...?