y'know....there's an app for that?!

So, maybe I'm late to the app party - having only upgraded to a smartphone capable of utilizing apps in 2013 when I purchased my Samsung Galaxy.  Then, in 2015 (maybe...?), I updated to an iPhone.  Sweet Baby Jesus!  I have a love/hate relationship with this device.  I admit it, it's mostly love, but there are quirks about the device that drive me INSANE! *lol*  I hate that my ringtones can't utilize free ringtone apps like Zedge without jumping through multiple hoops to get them on and off and on again via iTunes.  I hate that my memory is so fleeting (the device memory folks, but hey...if the shoe fits...and it does most days...by all means, lace that bitch up and flaunt it!).

Anyway, I have found an app that I adore (mostly) -- Smule Sing! Karaoke -- it's a virtual karaoke setting that allows you to sing with others from all over the world, or pay to be able to sing alone (or you can utilize a free trial offer - which I did!).

If you download the app, use your ear buds - trust me! :)

Also, add me -- @kokojo2k15 -- we could make beautiful music together ♫♪♫♪♫♪

There are some cool filters for your voice too – I rarely use them, but sometimes they come in handy ;)

Remember – you’re singing with ear buds and NOT seeing the person you’re singing with in real time – it can be tricky and probably won’t sound wonderful, but it’s FUN! :)

Also, there are ‘bad versions’ of songs, just like at times at karaoke when there are 2 or 3 versions of a song and one goes with the beat, one doesn’t…you just find the version you like ;)

Here are some of my songs I have recorded over the past 6 months or so -- in no particular order

If You See Him/Her --
http://www.smule.com/recording/reba-mcentire-brooks-dunn-if-you-see-him-if-you-see-her/490108650_591705936


Move It On Over --
http://www.smule.com/recording/hank-williams-sr-move-it-on-over/392504963_562246876


Then You Can Tell Me Good-Bye
http://www.smule.com/recording/then-you-can-tell-me-goodbye/392504963_562243604


Give Me One Reason (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/tracy-chapman-give-me-one-reason-2/581172328_504158621


Get The Party Started (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/pink-get-the-party-started/581172328_504146472


Come To My Window (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/melissa-etheridge-come-to-my-window/581172328_504136953


I've Still Got My Health (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/bette-midler-ive-still-got-my-health/581172328_504080622


Black Horse & Cherry Tree (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/k-t-tunstall-black-horse-and-the-cherry-tree/581172328_504072331


Some Kind of Wonderful (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/grand-funk-railroad-some-kind-of-wonderful/581172328_504053767


If I Could Turn Back Time (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/cher-if-i-could-turn-back-time/581172328_494592606


You Know I'm No Good (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/amy-winehouse-you-know-im-no-good/581172328_494578581


I Hate Myself For Loving You (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/joan-jett-i-hate-myself-for-loving-yu-joan-jett/581172328_494561619


I Love Rock & Roll (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/joan-jett-i-love-rock-n-roll/581172328_494553347


Knock Three Times (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/tony-orlando-knock-three-times/581172328_494547852


Nobody (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/sylvia-nobody/581172328_494514890


Sway with Me (duet with another female - I'm the 2nd voice - a little lower than her)
http://www.smule.com/recording/dean-martin-dean-martin-sway/226252511_494505216


Black Velvet (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/alannah-myles-black-velvet/581172328_494499155


Dreams (solo + video = I was being a little goofy)
http://www.smule.com/recording/fleetwood-mac-dreams/581172328_494484403


Let's Make Love (duet with male -- I'm obviously the female voice "Faith")
http://www.smule.com/recording/faith-hill-tim-mcgraw-lets-make-love/588477637_494472527


Stay (solo)
http://www.smule.com/recording/sugarland-stay/215947734_485930724


Keep Your Hands to Yourself (duet with male - I'm obviously the female voice)
http://www.smule.com/recording/keep-your-hands-to-yourself/132758694_485916724


Cake By The Ocean (duet with the group - being silly - way out of my comfort zone LOL)
http://www.smule.com/recording/dnce-cake-by-the-ocean/649527559_485911320


Girl Crush (duet with another female -- I'm the 2nd female voice to come in to the song)
http://www.smule.com/recording/little-big-town-girl-crush/187544031_485900405


You Oughta Know (duet with another female - I'm the 2nd female voice to come in around "you seem very well...")
http://www.smule.com/recording/alanis-morissette-you-oughta-know/292463746_485893891


Hand In My Pocket (duet with another female – I come in 2^nd “I’m High but I’m Grounded”…)
http://www.smule.com/recording/alanis-morissette-hand-in-my-pocket/292463746_485885282

La Isla Bonita (duet with another female – I come in 2^nd “young girl with eyes…”

http://www.smule.com/recording/madonna-la-isla-bonita/52047006_485880878

Wonderwall – Acoustic (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/oasis-wonderwall-acoustic-version/506552647_485873191

I’ll Be (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/edwin-mccain-ill-be/506552647_485869569

Daddy’s Hands (duet with another female – I sing 2^nd – “I remember Daddy’s Hands…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/holly-dunn-daddys-hands/482551799_459838788

Somewhere Over The Rainbow (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/israel-kamakawiwoole-somewhere-over-the-rainbow/506552647_459809628

When I Was Your Man (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/bruno-mars-when-i-was-your-man-acoustic/506552647_459795503

What Might Have Been (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/little-texas-what-might-have-been/117823482_459781598

Take It Easy (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/the-eagles-take-it-easy-cover-the-eagles/392504963_459774973

Can’t Feel My Face (duet with male – I have a techno type filter on my voice – and he’s a little off key)

http://www.smule.com/recording/the-weeknd-cant-feel-my-face/209085877_459767399

Zombie (duet with female – I’m 2^nd – I come in “But You See…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/cranberries-zombie/292463746_453457023

Part of Your World (duet with male – my voice cracks a bit – whoops LOL)

http://www.smule.com/recording/the-little-mermaid-part-of-your-world/506552647_453448038

Need You Now (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/lady-antebellum-need-you-now/506552647_453442229

End of the Road (piano – duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/boyz-ii-men-end-of-the-road-piano/506552647_453436031

Try (acoustic – duet with male – I come in on chorus and then sing alone)

http://www.smule.com/recording/pink-try-acoustic-piano/390032649_453429205

Baby Blue (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/george-strait-baby-blue/32450234_453419548

Neon Moon (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/brooks-dunn-neon-moon/226648004_341355277

Thank You (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/dido-thank-you/533917917_341345867

Losing My Religion (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/r-e-m-r-e-m-losing-my-religion-piano/117408632_341326994

Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/bryan-adams-have-you-ever-really-loved-a-woman/117408632_341323810

You Got It (solo)

http://www.smule.com/recording/roy-orbison-you-got-it/340960662_341312104

Sharp Dressed Man (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/zz-top-sharp-dressed-man/117408632_341303439

The Hanging Tree (collaboration with other singers – I’m in there somewhere LOL)

http://www.smule.com/recording/jennifer-lawrence-the-hanging-tree/457923099_340036813

Chasing Cars (duet with male – I’m a bit pitchy at first but I love the chorus)

http://www.smule.com/recording/snow-patrol-chasing-cars-acoustic/506552647_341293447

Part of Your World (duet with female – I’m part 2 “Look at this trove”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/the-little-mermaid-disney-part-of-your-world/262933400_341286037

All Out Of Love (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/air-supply-all-out-of-love-acoustic/506552647_341282058

Whiskey Lullaby (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/paisley-krauss-whiskey-lullaby/117823482_341272255

Hero (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/enrique-iglesias-hero-acoustic/117823482_341258968

Build Me Up Buttercup (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/the-foundations-build-me-up-buttercup/533917917_341254784

Drops of Jupiter (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/train-drops-of-jupiter/83886271_341251080

You Are My Sunshine (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/you-are-my-sunshine-open-mic/392504963_326768412

Locamotion (duet with female – I come in mainly on choruses)

http://www.smule.com/recording/locamotion/516099901_326762808

Oops! I did it again! (duet with female – I come in on choruses and “You see my problem is…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/britney-spears-oops-i-did-it-again/631014608_326758778

Seven Spanish Angels (duet with male)
http://www.smule.com/recording/willie-nelson-seven-spanish-angels/83886271_326744469

A Picture of Me Without You (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/george-jones-lorrie-morgan-a-picture-of-me-without-you/478106091_326741010

Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (duet with female – I come in on chorus and “Baby Cryin’ and One More…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/tanya-tucker-two-sparrows-in-a-hurricane/146293134_326736588

Cups (duet with female – I come in “2 bottle of whiskey” – we change off)

http://www.smule.com/recording/anna-kendrick-cups-when-im-gone/631014608_326731768

I’m Coming Over (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/chris-young-im-comin-over/226648004_326721054

Crimson & Clover (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/tommy-james-and-the-shondells-crimson-and-clover-tommy-james/243810895_326714729

When I Said I Do (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/clint-black-lisa-hartman-black-when-i-said-i-do-harmony-split-up/226648004_326709147

Baby Got Back (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/sir-mix-a-lot-baby-got-back/506552647_326703198

The Whiskey Ain’t Working (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/travis-tritt-the-whiskey-aint-workin/392504963_326692825

Desperado (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/desperado/394222820_326684392

Hero (piano – duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/enrique-iglesias-hero-piano-cover/506552647_326680912

People Are Strange (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/the-doors-people-are-strange/188442857_326675742

Summer Nights (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/grease-summer-nights/533917917_321335904

Otto Titsling (from Beaches – duet with female – I’m 1^st voice – we change off; she has more of an echo)

http://www.smule.com/recording/bette-midler-otto-titsling/242580793_321316501

Please Forgive Me (duet with female – she has more echo -  I come in with “first time our eyes met…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/bryan-adams-please-forgive-me/242580793_321301530

Sugar (acoustic – duet with male – he is a bit high pitch – I come in with “when I’m without you…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/maroon-5-sugar-acoustic/209085877_321295931

At Last (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/celine-dion-at-last/243810895_321291746

Somewhere Over the Rainbow (duet with female – she has an echo – I come in on 2^nd “Somewhere…”)

http://www.smule.com/recording/martina-mcbride-somewhere-over-the-rainbow/516099901_321287350

Blue Christmas (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/elvis-presley-blue-christmas/533917917_321282163

Just To See You Smile (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/tim-mcgraw-just-to-see-you-smile/533917917_321280342

Chandelier (duet with female – I’m 2^nd voice – she sounds like broken English perhaps)

http://www.smule.com/recording/sia-chandelier/457923099_320099242

Just Give Me a Reason (duet with male – I sing Pink’s part – first/female)

http://www.smule.com/recording/p-nk-ft-nate-ruess-just-give-me-a-reason/529189426_320094767

Marvin Gaye (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/charlie-puth-marvin-gaye/506552647_320085134

Cry To Me (duet with female – I’m 2^nd voice – she has a distinct echo)

http://www.smule.com/recording/solomon-burke-cry-to-me-dirty-dancing/516099901_320080773

Love Is Strange (duet with female - she has a distinct echo)

http://www.smule.com/recording/mickey-and-sylvia-love-is-strange/516099901_320077565

Sway (Michael Buble – duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/michael-buble-sway/506552647_320072536

I’ll Make Love To You (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/boyz-ii-men-ill-make-love-to-you/533917917_320067886

Don’t You Want Me (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/human-league-dont-you-want-me/533917917_320063689

In The Still of The Night (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/boyz-ii-men-in-the-still-of-the-night/533917917_320056946

Creep (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/radiohead-creep-setneupm-remix-rainy/117408632_314444007

Big Girls Don’t Cry (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/fergie-big-girls-dont-cry/533917917_314434942

Crazy (duet with female – I’m 2^nd voice – she has a distinct echo)

http://www.smule.com/recording/patsy-cline-crazy/516099901_314430436

Unwell (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/matchbox-twenty-unwell/533917917_314426684

Break Down Here (duet with female – I’m first voice and again on choruses, etc)

http://www.smule.com/recording/julie-roberts-break-down-here/429287023_314423849

How Will I Know (duet with male – he’s a bit high pitched)

http://www.smule.com/recording/sam-smith-how-will-i-know/209085877_314420921

Dancing Queen (duet with female – I’m 2^nd voice “anybody could be that guy” – she has a distinct echo)

http://www.smule.com/recording/abba-dancing-queen/516099901_314418408

Say Something (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/a-great-big-world-say-something/188442857_314412451

When I Was Your Man (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/bruno-mars-when-i-was-your-man-acoustic/506552647_314409413

Forget You (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/cee-lo-green-forget-you/533917917_314404172

Love Me Like You (duet with male)

http://www.smule.com/recording/love-me-like-you-do-piano-male-key/506552647_314401356

Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ (duet with female – I’m 1^st voice – she has more echo to her voice)

http://www.smule.com/recording/journey-lovin-touchin-and-squeezin/452769284_310604322

'dem bones, 'dem bones...

It's been a while since I have last updated -- same 'ol, same 'ol really -- port flushes, scans and follow ups with the medical oncologist (Dr M and CNP LT).  I had a rash at my last visit, coupled with swelling and pain under my right breast and arm -- the docs decided it was most likely lymph fluid building up and settling and aggravating scar tissue (and the right side is more susceptible to rashes and such since the fluid doesn't flow like it should) -- but they ordered an ultrasound and mammogram to rule out any other culprits for the current conditions.  I admit it - I was nervous.  Shit, I think I'll always be nervous when I go for a scan anymore.  Once you hear that C word, how can you NOT be nervous?  It will always be there -- that pesky little "what if". 

So, off I went to the Magee Imaging Center at UPMC St Margaret on January 21st.  Thankfully, I had my gal (JAC) by my side to keep me calm and be there for me if the results were less than optimal.  We were supposed to start with the ultrasound and move to the mammo (if deemed necessary) -- however, we started with the mammo -- right side only (which was ruled as clear) and followed with the ultrasound to get a closer look at the underarm and lymph nodes -- just in case.  Thank God, both were viewed then and there by their resident doc and ruled as clear.  *whew*  I do go back in April for my annual routine mammo -- but at least for the time being, I know my right side is clear.

I returned to the Magee Imaging Center at UPMC St Margaret on January 25th for a DEXA Scan.  Yep, a bone density scan.  Because I'm POST menopausal (thanks to the hysterectomy) at 36 years old.  Because I've been through chemo and radiation treatments.  Because I take Arimidex (which can affect bone density).  Because of family history (mom has osteopenia, pap has osteoporosis).  Because...because...because.   

Thursday, January 28th I received a call from the UPMC Cancer Center in Natrona Heights.  I thought, "Oh, Crap!  They're calling with results -- this can't be good!"   I spoke to CNP LT.  And guess what?!  I too have osteopenia!  At 36 years old, I have the precursor to osteoporosis.  Reviewing my medication list, we know that I already take calcium + vitamin D every day, twice a day.  The next step is to do a blood panel to check my levels of vitamin D to see which direction to go with medications and how to get my body to better absorb the calcium so that I can stave off osteoporosis (indefinitely, if not just for a few more years).

Today I am heading to UPMC Cancer Center in Natrona Heights for my blood draw.  Thank goodness I like those gals in the lab -- the nurses are awesome (even though I do miss a few lovely ladies from the Tony Teramana Center in Steubenville).  I also go for a screening for physical therapy to return to regular visits for my lymphedema in my right arm, breast and trunk. 

Wish me luck!

xo

Time keeps on slippin'...into the future...

I meant to post this yesterday, but I had not fully processed my feelings (and still haven't fully, but somewhat).

Two years ago on March 21, I heard one of the most terrifying, horrifying and heartbreaking phrases from a Doctor's mouth.  "You have Cancer."

My mind raced, my heart sank and I did my best to keep my composure while the doctor offered information and what was to be expected moving forward.  It felt like I was outside of my body, watching it all unfold from an outsider's perspective.  My partner (at the time) had begrudgingly joined me at this appointment...after much begging and pleading...as I had a gut feeling that I wasn't going to receive good news regarding my mammogram and ultrasound just days earlier.  My partner offered very little solice...at the time, I chalked it up to us both being numb.  I managed to keep (most) of my composure as I called my parents and my grandparents with this dreaded news.  My partner left for work, and I was left home alone, miles away from family, to come to grips with reality.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to break shit, I wanted to run away from this reality, I wanted to just mentally shut down and check out, I wanted to run down the street like my hair was on fire, screaming at the top of my lungs.  My partner never did have a reaction to this news, not in my presence at least, though I heard later about the emotional outpouring to coworkers.

I was deeply emotional...running the gamut of worried, sad, confused, upset, angry, pissed off, terrified...the emotional roller coaster lasted for some time, but was perhaps most intense when I first faced the daunting news of my diagnosis.  It was then that I faced my mortality and my darkest fears. 

Of course, my mind reeled with thoughts of "what if...?"
What if....?
* I'm not strong enough to make it through this
* I become unable to have children from the treatments and drugs
* I go through this and it comes back
* I end up hospitalized with complications
* I die from this

I also faced the thought of what could have happened had I not found the lump when I did.  I had already formed a large, aggressive and invasive cancerous tumor.  It hadn't been long since my last gyno appointment and neither my Dr nor myself had felt it at that point.  If it had gone undetected, could it have spread through my body and killed me?

I didn't have health insurance and the red tape in health care and assistance for those that truly NEED it is a freaking nightmare.  I'm STILL dealing with it all...ugh.

A LOT has happened in the past two years...some good, some bad, some life shattering, some funny beyond words. 

I have LOST my hair (I had a love hate relationship with it my entire life - which many people with naturally curly hair can relate to...but I truly miss it...even have hair envy at times...), GAINED perspective, LOST my mind (no, seriously), GAINED incredible patience, LOST my partner (some people cannot see beyond themselves), GAINED weight (damn drug side effects), LOST weight (slow and torturous), GAINED a few more scars, LOST some sensation in parts of my body, GAINED daily medicine regimens, LOST some mobility in some joints and parts of my body, GAINED some aches and pains, LOST some pieces of myself, GAINED many menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, irritability, etc), LOST a few ("so called") friends and GAINED a whole new appreciation of my TRUE friends and the love of family.

I have also moved from Ohio to Pennsylvania.  While it was a move I had been hoping to make at some point in the future, the circumstances behind it (& even currently) were/are quite crap-tastic and complicated. 

I know by looking at the calendar (and my ever multiplying gray hairs) that two years have since passed...but I'll be damned if I don't feel as if my life is still on a perpetual  pause.  One minute I'm a graduate student studying for midterms and scheduling group study sessions...the next I'm a cancer patient studying my diagnosis and scheduling surgeries and treatment plans.  *sigh*

I realize that terrible things happen to people all over the world every day...I also realize that I can't live the rest of my life just waiting for cancer to reoccur...but, how do you push past that fear? 

{note: one of my dear friends was diagnosed shortly after me, with a different type of cancer, and we commiserated and supported each other through our journeys...she recently received news that her cancer returned...absolutely terrifying and crushing news...she appears incredibly optimistic and zen about it.  I pray for her daily.  This news made me stop and face my own fear of reoccurrence yet again.}

I'm currently overdue for both my pet scan (as of 2/2015) and my mammogram (as of 3/17/15).  I know that both of those tests, combined with some other blood panels and Dr visits (oncologist/neuro followup/cardiologist followup/lymph followup) would help to shed light on various recent physical occurrences...however, I have not yet established myself with local doctors.  Trust me, it is not for lack of trying!  I have had one hell of a time getting any information requested from my previous county of residence and then relaying it to my new one AND getting to speak with a live person in a timely manner is damn near impossible.  I was told that my paperwork (mailed in February) was never received and that I had to start over again!  Seeing as this paperwork is highly sensitive and personal information I am extremely concerned with its whereabouts...I have called the man that I had previously been communicating with regarding my application ever day for over a week...each time I reach voicemail (despite choosing a different menu option) and each time I leave a message and wait...and each time another day passes without communication and any type of response.  Oh, the irony that one of the most constant and consistent forces in my life has been and continues to be red tape/bureaucratic bullshit, fighting for healthcare coverage and prescription coverage. 

Why, oh why, can't THAT change in my favor?!

A LONG time comin'...

Healthy & Lean in 2015 -- that's my "fitspiration" on my fitness journey ;)

I had the brilliant idea to do video logs (I've only done 3 since we started training in January - don't judge! lol) -- I have posted links for those below.  I am hopeful to help someone else on their own journey, or to simply shed light on my own journey.  

Video 1 filmed 01/05/2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAeqMeN5tPg

Video 2 filmed 01/07/2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZgwjYUJm6I

Video 3 filmed 01/26/2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCG07zxtUB8

So far, I have lost over 10 pounds and a little over 2% body fat!  WOOHOO!  Slow and steady baby.  I also aggravated the lymph-edema in my right arm (resulting in increased swelling, numbness/tingling in fingers, and decreased mobility in my hand).  Perhaps I should stick with movement and R.O.M. exercises over weight-bearing exercises.  ;)

I have ALSO uploaded an older video of me singing "Stay" by Sugarland at karaoke -- it was filmed in May 2012 with a male friend singing harmony.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGKqsGK_cqo

I am working on more videos to share!

Hope all is well with all of you!

Happy First Day of Spring!  ♥

...it certainly is...

I'm sure you've all heard the saying, "Life is a Journey, Not a Destination."  It certainly is a journey.  A chaotic, haphazard, crappy (at times), sappy, happy-go-lucky, lovely journey.  I'm grateful to have you all (my friends and family) on this journey.  You all make it worthwhile.  

♥ xo ♥

Long overdue....

I really and truly have been putting this off for some time now.  *deep breath*  As some of you already know, my partner (2ie) left me in May.  There are many unresolved feelings and issues (at least on my part).  I keep trying to rationalize the situation,  much to my detriment.  I am looking for answers and reasons behind 2ie just packing up and leaving.  I'm baffled by this all...we had made it through the darkest times together and yet, here we were on the other side of it all....so close to the "finish line" and 2ie gave up and just walked away.  Very little emotion, hardly any talking, absolutely NO willingness to discuss or work out any issues we may have had...just an "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you anymore".  A punch to the gut.  Looking back on our relationship, there were issues, but when you're in love with someone, you often wear blinders.  Things I accepted as "normal" behavior, turns out not so much.  I was absolutely devastated when the bomb was finally dropped.  I knew SOMETHING was coming...after all, just the week before I had received a phone call from 2ie's supposed bff...she was incredibly ignorant and unkind in what she said to me...and she outright LIED to me (none of this shocked me...after all, I'd been wary of her for several years, especially recently).  I was very upset by the phone call and sobbing pretty hard...I needed to talk to 2ie, so I texted...no answer...called...no answer...called work phone...no answer...finally, I was able to get 2ie on the line.  After I got cut off and chewed out, I was informed that there was no need for me to rehash any of the phone call as the truth was already known.  Since when is it acceptable for your partner to take a friend's side over their partner?  And not want to hear both sides?  And not want to console the sobbing partner on the phone?  A shower, several hours and multiple xanax later, I was still heavily sobbing and feeling heartbroken.  I called a nearby friend who was so worried about me and my state of mind that she drove over to sit with me.  It only got worse when 2ie got home.  Standing outside, on the phone with her bff...telling her and her wife to come over to work this all out.  I have asked several times what would have happened if that would have been the case...would they have both sat there and lied to our faces?  Lord knows the bff already did that...numerous times...  Anyway, after a week of barely speaking to me or texting me, 2ie finally had the guts to face me and tell me that we were through.  There was supposedly nothing I could say or do to change it.  I cried, I yelled, I asked questions... 2ie left...for a bite to eat (even though we lived right across the street from numerous fast food options, 2ie drove to a bar that her bff's friends own).  The next few weeks were freaking torture.  2ie was mean, selfish and uncaring.  Would leave to unpack at the other house (which I helped get ready to move in to...which the bff trashed) and not come back until 3 or 5AM.  I knew that the bff was more than that...her own wife suspicious because she started hiding her phone (which started the fight and phone call), but 2ie became even more paranoid about me viewing any call or text histories...plus sneaking to call or text when she thought I was sleeping, or guarding her phone with her life.  It makes sick just to think about it.  Of course I will never know the truth because they still lie to me on a regular basis, even when I ask for the truth for closure.  I know we all love our gal pals and bffs, but a minimum of 4 phone calls a day to each other AND thousands of texts between just the two of them...hmmm.  But I was told that I was just an overly jealous person...making shit up in my head.  Really bitches?!  I have the call/text logs in black and white.

So, despite my best efforts, I feel lower than low over the fact that the love of my life picked a fucked up situation over what we had together.  It's easier said than done (I struggle with it on a daily basis), but it is HER loss, not MINE.  It speaks more to HER character than MINE (even though I am apparently a bad person for posting any feelings on Facebook... Come on now!  I didn't name names...so if you read it and automatically think it pertains to you, shame on you for doing anything you think warrants that reaction and if your friends or family read a post and automatically think of you, then shame on them for not thinking more of you than that).  I mean, after all she left me for her supposed bff (a mutual friend) who had also previously rented her house, trashed it, owed her several thousand dollars, has been in jail for numerous charges, was married (legally) to another woman and cheated, has kids and grandkids that she rarely sees because she is too far stuck up each new gf's ass to be bothered.  You know how PigPen had a dust cloud swirling around him in the Peanuts gang?  That's this chick and drama.  She doesn't clean or care about personal appearance and living conditions.  We had been cleaning and repairing the house (thousands of dollars in repairs and that was just to make it liveable again) and I swear those bitches didn't clean a thing in the entire 7 years they lived there.  White ceiling fan blades were black and had to be soaked in goo be gone and scrubbed with a magic eraser (1 per fan blade).  It was BEYOND disgusting.  The entire time she lived there and knew us, she supposedly had feelings for 2ie.  But she still lived with and married two other women...and never divulged this to them.  I have asked 2ie NUMEROUS times and it is just ignored -- but, seriously, can you explain how this bitch did ALL of this destruction and didn't bend over backwards to be GOOD to her?  I mean, she took advantage of her!  And yet, she left me for her.  We weren't broke, but we weren't living extravagantly either - and cancer treatments were a bitch to manage and get covered - but we were careful.  This bitch NEVER has cash, her bills are always overdue (even those that were still in 2ie's name - utilities at the house), she was always borrowing cash to pay bills, buy food or put gas in her car (or begging for rides to places)....but ALWAYS had weed or her wife would have a new tattoo or they would go to dinner and a show in Pittsburgh.  I mean, seriously!?!?!?!??!  It makes me feel sick that 2ie would choose the worst possible situation to live in over what we had together -- but it speaks more about her than me. 

After all, this is her thing...she cheats (emotionally and/or physically) and leaves her relationship whenever she is bored or getting more excitement and attention elsewhere. 

Upon further reflection, she and her brother are more similar than I ever imagined.  That alone makes me sick and should qualify her for a psych eval....just sayin'...

She swears she still cares about me and wants to be friends, but I rarely hear from her unless she needs something... And then her attitude is pretty shitty and defensive. 

What's worse is that I'm sure that friends and family are not getting the full story.  I will be the bad guy...not the new girlfriend.  No one will ever know the truth about her and the level of craziness and the money owed and property ruined.  *sigh*

I can only hope that karma is swift and is as ruthless as they were in their recent actions.

ever feel like you're stuck in a time loop?

I have doctor appointments EVERY day of the week...sometimes, I have TWO per day (or more)!  I'm so tired of the constant 'doctoring' -- I know it is for my own good and to get and stay healthy, but a girl can get pretty tired and cranky when all she does is sit and wait all day for doctors.  :-\

I went to see Dr R (oncologist) last week (3/25/14) and discussed my concerns regarding my most recent appointment with my gyno**.  He expressed some of the same concerns that I did (i.e., increased risk for uterine cancer, can't carry a child without HRT and I can't have HRT, etc).  He urged me to get a second opinion if I was concerned about the decision and the surgery.  I also asked about my PET scan.  Call me crazy, but I started to wonder if my puking and gown taping was added to the overall report.  I worried that my Dr had no idea that any of that had happened.  He said it was indeed noted in the report (the puking) but that he was confident in the results.  They check for three key areas with former breast cancer patients (lungs, liver and bones) and none of those came back as positive for cancer...so, now I can finally (& fully) rejoice in this good news!  He also told me that the breast pain that I feel is a common complaint among breast cancer patients and survivors.  He didn't have any medical advice to offer on this subject (and he apologized for the lack thereof), but he acknowledged that it is a common complaint.  I was a bit worried that it could mean something else.  The last time I had pain, I had a lump the size of an egg incubating in the milk duct of my right breast (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma).  Thankfully, my scan...my mammogram...and my breast exam do NOT show any signs or symptoms of cancer!  My PET Scan DID show a curvature of my spin...and the Dr pointed it out in the report, as well as during my exam.  I also asked about my CEA (bloodwork drawn 1/28; results rec'd 1/31).  Dr R said that it is typically done after a patient completes chemo and radiation.  It is another tool in monitoring a patient, used in conjunction (of course) with the PET scan.  I asked about the scale going from 0 - 40 and what it meant that mine is 14.6; he said that anywhere from 0 to 40 is considered 'normal' and I shouldn't worry that mine is 14.6.  He also told me that he is proud of me and how I made it through everything and still managed to keep a smile on my face and be pleasant to the staff.   I asked if my hair would start growing any faster (seriously, I feel like it hasn't grown much at all since it 'filled in').  He said that it would not, that it would definitely be different hair growth patterns than before cancer treatments.  He then commented on how full my hair looked overall and asked what I did because he has patients that have bald spots on their heads.  I told him that I kept shaving it until it was no longer patchy (there was a time when it first started to grow back that I still had some awful bald patches).  He was very intrigued by this idea.  My next follow up is July.  {although, I will be speaking to him and his nurse before that -- I am to check in after my surgery}

Speaking of my mammogram, I went on St. Patrick's Day (3/17/14) to have my shamrocks squeezed.  After the images were taken, I waited to see Dr V (the same Dr that diagnosed me).  I walk in to the room and she is looking at the 'wall of monitors' and reviewing my images.  My already nervous stomach dropped when I saw an image of a tumor on the screen.  I must have made a noise at that point, because she turned around just as the nurse who had escorted me in to the room stepped out.  She saw my face and said "oh no!  this is NOT your current scan -- see!?  this is LAST year....this is THIS year...I have them side by side to compare the images".....I felt the relief flood my body.  I asked her about the breast pain and discomfort that I have...she said she didn't know why I would have that, nothing on my scans showed that there was any physical reason for it.  I asked if it could be my body adjusting to scar tissue...she said "perhaps...".

** = We discussed whether or not my upcoming surgery would be full or partial hysterectomy.  I indicated a strong desire for a full hysterectomy and she gave me several reasons not to go that route.  I am NOT confident in the final decision as I feel like she wasn't really listening to me.

I go to see my PCP this week (Wednesday, 4/2/14) for 'pre-surgery' paperwork - I need to be cleared for the surgery.  I also need to talk to her about my concerns and see what she (professionally) recommends that I do.

I have PT (left knee) and OT (right arm) twice this week...as long as my GERD doesn't wreak havoc again this week!  

I also have appointments with the ortho doc (follow up on left knee, consult on right ankle) AND the gastroenterologist (for GERD issues).

Long story short...I had a tooth extracted on March 19th.  The dentist was FANTASTIC!  However, he prescribed clindamycin to ward off any infections and naproxen for any pain.  Thus began the worst GERD symptoms that I have experienced to date.  I had intense heartburn and spasms and burning particularly when I swallowed (even air/saliva).  My only 2 med changes recently were clindamycin and naproxen (had started just a week or so before all of this, as it was prescribed for arthritis in my knee).  I was also (wet) burping up acid AND throwing up stomach acid.  I couldn't eat or drink much without an upset stomach and pain from swallowing.  *ugh*  I hope that the gastro doc can help!  I also hope that the ortho doc has another idea for pain management, besides naproxen.

I also have Herceptin (again) this Friday.  Last Friday, I asked about my MUGA results (done 3/24/14).  Nurse V looked them up and had Dr R review them.  She came back and told me that my ejection fractions were at 48% but that Dr R reviewed the results and was comfortable continuing my Herceptin.  My last MUGA (1/29/14) had shown EF at 51% (if I am remembering correctly).  This one is 48% which is slightly below 'normal' range.  I don't like that my EF keeps going up and down.  And apparently (at least in the recent past), my MO and Cardiologist didn't like it either.  The last time I dipped below 50% they put the Herceptin on hold.  Not entirely sure why we're not going in to a holding pattern this time, but I do plan to find out! :)

I went to see the neurosurgeon on 3/21/14 as a follow up regarding a cystic lesion found in my brain during an initial MRI (at the beginning of my diagnosis/treatment last year).  Dr. B reviewed my latest MRI (done 3/10/14) and said that there does not seem to be any significant changes.  I am to repeat the MRI in approximately 1 year, if still no changes, then there is nothing to worry about.