WARNING: this post contains a bit of vulgar language - I apologize. I realize it isn't ladylike to use such language, but I'm emotional and I just need to get it all out. Please forgive my transgressions below.
I have written this letter a million times over in my head...usually in my mind, late at night. Tonight, I decided to finally put my words down on paper (well, you get the drift, right?)
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I have written this letter a million times over in my head...usually in my mind, late at night. Tonight, I decided to finally put my words down on paper (well, you get the drift, right?)
Why write my feelings here versus actually talking to you, or texting or emailing you? Because the majority of our brief interactions consist of one or three word answers, you bitching about random things, me bitching about missing my baby, you ignoring my comments about my baby. You don't listen to me. You don't communicate and I need to get this off of my chest. It's festering there.
and I had lunch fairly recently with a friend and my fortune cookie mentioned "to love yourself you must first love the one you hate" (or some yoda shit like that) -- I snickered and thought, "yeah, sure...LOVE HER?! only if she brings my baby back to me...!)
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Dear Ex (who shall remain nameless of course),
I strongly dislike you. In fact, it's probably more accurate to say that I hate you...or at least some things about you...and me...
I hate that you had such "control" over me to make me feel the way I did when I was with you. You, your actions and your words, and your "sidekick in imposing mental anguish" were relentless.
I hate the person I became when I was with you.
I hate the person you were wanting me to become; and that I believed the mean things you said to me and about me.
I hate that you have my baby girl; a simple misunderstanding and lack of ability to communicate feelings could lead to me not having contact with her at all. That aspect alone wrecks me. I cry every fucking day over her. I miss her. It hurts me every damn day. As a woman who cannot have a biological child (#FuckCancer), I was thrilled when you told me that you were getting me a puppy for Christmas. Admittedly scared...as I'd never had a puppy before...you said you wanted to give that to me...and you did...I fell in love with her...named her...house trained her...played with her...cuddled her and babied her. In the end, you kept her. Why? You paid for her...and ultimately, she's your "sidekick"'s favorite...so I lost out. I mourn for the loss of my child. I grieve every damn day.
You asked me at one point if I stayed for the dog...and quite honestly, yes, I did. I was terrified to lose her...more than anything else...and I lost her anyway. You sat next to me when I first saw her after you decided to keep her and she kept loving me and kissing me when she saw me...you watched...you saw me as I sobbed so hard I couldn't speak or breathe and yet you acted like nothing was happening...as if I wasn't crying or sobbing so hard...as if my heart wasn't shattered on the floor at my feet.
This is perhaps the cruelest and most heartless thing anyone has done to me. My former fiancee left me for a "friend" when I was going through cancer treatments...and I still consider you to be worse than the fiance AND the homewrecker. That should tell you something!
I hate that everything centers around money with you. You were demanding rights and visitation when I was to have her (initial arrangements)...but when you kept her, I had NO rights at all. Your reasoning was that you paid for everything for her. I have no fucking proof she was a gift...and now, you say that she was a gift to "us" as a couple. How convenient!
I hate that I lost my baby for the simple fact that I questioned being tethered to you for the rest of her life; being forced to sign a "legal binding agreement" (your words) in front of a notary; being forced to travel at my own expense and on my own time (because according to you, you deserved that, seeing as you lost money by being with me). Everything about that felt wrong. I was terrified that you or your "sidekick" would find a loophole down the line and steal my baby away from me. I was terrified that you'd demand to see her when I had doctor appointments. I am hopeful to be employed in the future, and if so, I didn't want to worry about whether it would conflict with visitation. You were so hellbent on NOT discussing things that we had a heated texting conversation. Suddenly, I was being told to fuck off and move on. I would give anything to go back, sit down and hash it...rationally, calmly...and come to a mutual agreement.
I hate that my baby is alone the majority of the time. You work crazy hours. You know it, I know it, the fucking former neighbors know it, the mailman knows it...you and your "sidekick" tell everyone and anyone who will listen about your crazy grueling schedule. I'm not knocking it. I'm pointing out that you work crazy hours and there's no denying it. My baby is used to near constant human interaction...now she's alone...A LOT. You never answered me as to whether she was indeed crated or not...I'm hopeful that she's NOT...but she's a chewer, and you were always so fucking quick to yell and hit and punish her when she did wrong before...now, there's a new house. I worry about her. I repeatedly told you...she's a baby...she's a pup...she needs to be loved and you need to lead by example and give simple commands. She is incredibly smart and capable. You have the patience, but you are quick to snap...especially when stressed and tired. You were downright fucking scary when you would lose your patience with her. You hit her so hard some times that I cried and screamed and begged you to stop. You acted like I was a nut case. She cowered away and ran away. I was quick to love and coddle and you were quick to make me feel like shit and to make me feel stupid for doing so with her.
I hate that you have told me that I'll "get over" her when I get another fur baby. NOT true! I love dogs...but I'll never be able to replace my baby girl. You have two others. You have had several others before...yet my ONE and ONLY you decide to keep from me. FUCK YOU and your rash decisions. You are quick to act and super quick to hurt. You never want to discuss things or work anything out. If it doesn't suit you, you won't do it or even consider it.
I hate that I walked on egg shells damn near every day of our time together. I never knew what mood you'd wake up in...what I'd do (or not do) to piss you off...or your "side kick"...I cringed whenever I had a text message...especially from either of you...never knowing if the message would be positive or hurtful and mean. I was often flabbergasted at the level of rudeness and attitude conveyed in text messages from you both. I started to realize when I was crying in the middle of the day, or over dishes, or in the shower that there was a problem. Yet I stayed. I wanted to leave, but I wanted to be with my baby girl more... I needed to be with her and to protect her. In some way, I think you knew how I felt and you used it against me. You asked if I stayed only for her. When I hesitated in answering, you told me that it was sad and pathetic that I did so...I would agree...but not so much sad and pathetic on my part.
I hate that you managed to make me feel worthless and stupid. You made me feel like all of my health problems were null and that I am a hypochondriac. I had fucking cancer. You did too. I went through multiple surgeries (as did you), I had chemo treatments and radiation treatments. I lost my hair. I lost nails. My body changed in so many ways. I developed heart and lung problems due to my treatments...not to mention skin and circulatory problems. I can't help it that I have to continue to visit specialists frequently...honestly, I don't do it because it's fun! Yet you always managed to twist it around or make a comment about it. You tended to tell me that I shouldn't go to appointments, that I needed to focus on "our home".
I hate that you knew before we were even dating or moved in together that I wasn't working and you offered to "take care of me" -- yet you managed to make me feel like a worthless free loader every chance you had - and so did your "side kick". You were both wonderful at that - and I felt so low. My self esteem plunged dramatically -- and that's amazing considering some of the trauma and happenings in my past. You were quick to tell me, and damn near anyone else who would listen, that you offered to take care of me...that you wished I'd let you buy me things and that I'd spend your money. Yet, afterwards you told me that me living there with you cost you thousands of dollars. I wasn't careless - I turned lights off and televisions and I kept the heat where you set it in the winter. I didn't run excessive fans or heaters (per your decision). I didn't dare ask for gas money, grocery money, or any money for my specific needs or wants. You didn't pay for my medical/prescription co pays, my gas to go to and from doctor appointments, my food or drink while at appointments, or any "fun" activities that I would want to go to with friends or family.
I hate that you would hold my family and friends against me. You didn't want me to go out and do anything remotely fun or enjoyable because you had to work and couldn't participate. I get it. It sucks when someone else is having all of the fun...but you were not, and are not, a social person. Even if you weren't at work, you wouldn't want to go play board games at a friend's house or do a paint and sip girls' night.
{I need to wrap this shit up - it's starting to wear me down rehashing things. I have mentioned the need for "closure" especially over my baby girl, and my requests fall on deaf ears. If you needed closure, you'd fight to get it. I need closure and I get a big old silent fuck you.}
I have had several close friends ask if I regret our relationship (yours and mine). Truth be told, I don't regret it at all. I wish I had that time back, sure...but if we hadn't been together, I never would have had her in my life. I never would have had that honest love and adoration of my baby girl. Believe me, I wish I could make this pain and suffering end. But, I wouldn't change it.
I've thought it to myself time and time again...so I'll just say it...
I could care less if I ever see or speak to you again...but it breaks my heart and hurts my very soul that I won't see my baby girl again. For those reasons, I hold a deep resentment towards you. I don't want hatred to consume me, but I can't help but hate you for all of this...especially the anguish I feel over my baby girl.
